Late Bloomer

As a young girl, I watched way too many romantic movies. I dreamed of being swept off my feet, of knights in shining armour, and passionate kisses. I thought that love started with a kiss, that when you kissed your soul mate for the first time, sparks would fly and you would know you were meant to be together.

My first kiss didn’t live up to that dream. It was a summer’s day on the playground, and Christopher and I were in the sand pit building a home for ladybugs. When it started to rain, we grabbed for the ladybugs and stowed them in the barrel hanging underneath the jungle gym. We stuck our heads in the barrel and, after a few moments of idle conversation about ladybugs, he said, “Hey, let’s kiss.”

It was so awkward; my mouth was closed while his was open with his tongue stabbing me in the jaw, I was horrified and pulled away. As I popped out, I was surprised by a bunch of inquisitive bystanders who cheered. So my first kiss was a disaster, but I claimed it was because we weren’t meant for love and that it was just a technical rehearsal.

Years went by and I was still having technical rehearsals. I had boyfriends who I thought I loved, but there was always something missing. I didn’t feel a spark, no matter how hard I tried to ‘fall in love’. I spent many years single and independent, a few strays would come along, a kiss here and there, but still no lightning.

I began to realise that I had been looking in the wrong place all along; I didn’t feel sparks with any of my boyfriends because I was feeling sparks for my girlfriends. I guess this had been a gradual change, because I never thought I was attracted to women until late into my university years. Looking back, though, the signs were certainly there when I was younger.

I can pinpoint the day that my heart jumped for a woman for the first time. She was a beautiful, confident woman and I couldn’t take my eyes off her, nor could I bring myself to have a conversation with her. Eventually, though, we talked and we became friends.

At last I got to do my first kiss over again. It was just as I imagined it would be when my knight finally arrived.

We lay side by side in the dark, the crisp morning sun only a few hours away. Her hand slid into mine, my heart pounded, my palms began to sweat and my mouth went as dry as the Namibian desert. I had never felt this before. Our heads turned towards each other and we kissed, a movie kiss. At that moment, every idea I had in my head about love was questioned. My world exploded with uncertainty—all this time I had believed I would fall in love with a man, but now I was feeling the rush of love for, god forbid, a woman!

I’ve been in meaningful relationships with women since that day and have been surrounded by nothing but love. Not the idealistic love I dreamed up as a girl, but a real and bonding love. I’ve realised that, as a girl, the idea I had of love was not about a feeling, it was about subscribing to a set of conventions.

When we talk of soul mates, it’s not that there is one perfect soul out there for us, it’s that we fall in love with a soul. Love is the bond we create when we see the beauty in one another’s souls and, when we love, we acquire an understanding of minds and hearts and we help our souls grow.

Late Bloomer is a lover of the arts and Mother Nature.