I’m going through a time in my life when I’m not really sure how I feel about everything. I mean everything is just blowing hot and cold in my life. Everything is uncertain. It’s as unpredictable as the weather here in Cape Town. I’m just not sure what’s what in my love life and my school life is not different either. I got my marks for English today – I got 70% for Literature and 72% for Linguistic. I should be happy, right? Well, I can’t!

I just can’t be happy. How can I possibly be happy when “happiness” is so elusive? I mean, look at what’s happening with me and Sebastian now? One minute we are trying to fix things, the next we are on each other’s throats. It feels as if we are standing on the edge of a cliff, pushing and pulling, not sure what we want out of this relationship.

We spoke yesterday. He finally decided to call – he misses me, he said.

“When are you free? We need to talk.”

I really don’t know what’s up with him. I am honestly not in the mood to play this hide-and-seek game of his. I mean, who does he think he is? He thinks he can exit and enter my life as he pleases and I should just be happy with everything. I told him where to get off and dropped the phone! Of course I ended up feeling as if I could have handled the whole thing better and ended up calling him back.

Now, we are meeting this evening. I should be happy, right?

Well, I can’t! Why should I be happy? I mean what’s the use of being happy only for a short time only to be disappointed again? What’s the use of being happy that I got 70% and 72% when I know I will be writing a test on Wednesday, the 29th, submitting an assignment on Thursday, 30th and on the following week…when do I get the time to be happy? Nerds are not very happy people, I guess.

Mom called, I shouldn’t forget my promise, she says. Of course I will be going home. After the rough week I had, going home is exactly what I need – a fresh breath of air, finally! But even that won’t last bcoz I still have to spend time doing assignments and studying over the weekend.

I really need to go home so that I can hear mom tell me that all this will be worth it in the end. My mom is my rock; she steadies me when I falter.

ZZ xx

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