It’s 06 o’clock in the morning and i’m woken by my granny handing me a cup of coffee with milk.Oh by the way my name is Lawu, Lawukazi it was given to me by my great grandmother whom I consider as my grandmother whom I often call Mammy.I’m a very good teenage girl I say so and I’m quiet reserved, I don’t like attention, I love God so much and I know he does too. I am a very determined girl and I can say doing my school work is more like a hobby for me I enjoy it and I always strive to get the best results always.It’s my aunt’s funeral today and the house is silent and everyone is feeling burdened in the house, like we’re carrying the weight of the world in our shoulders.

“Don’t worry my love everything gets better with time”,my mother says holding a chair to sit next to me.

“You know I’ve been think about Hlehle(my late aunt’s daughter) and I’m wondering how she can really cope with all this while I’m still so confused and ignorant with the whole thing,”I say looking up at the ceiling sipping coffee, my grandmother always makes it for me whenever I’m not feeling so strong.

“Everyone deals with pain in their own way my child and some people don’t like being seen vulnerable and that’s ok, and feeling confused and ignorant is still part of healing take all the time you want processing it don’t try thinking hard take it one step at a time,” my mom says with her soothing voice.

My mom’s words always comfort me whenever I feel weak and unable to express what I’m feeling.

I’m never gonna cry i’m gonna do it for Buhle i have to be strong for her she needs me the most right now.

“You know that feeling helps whatever you’re feeling feel it and express it undoubtedly until it’s no more or else it will eat you up” she says as she stand up taking the cup of coffee I was drinking and leaves.

She always has an answer and sometimes i feel like she can read my mind.

I get up to go help Buhle get her toiletries and soon I’m also bathing and when I’m done I take a look in a mirror feeling very courageous and I give myself words of affirmation.

We get to the cemetery and everything happens so fast.The casket is now being rolled down and I know it’s the moment where everybody gets to face reality like it or not.

A loud cry comes from the people in the tent and Buhle looks at the casket and back to me and a tear rolls down her face.

My mind is racing with thoughts I’m trying hold my grip I rub Buhle’s back and in no time I’m lying down crying my lungs out trying to catch my breath.

A woman comes up to me and helps me drink water.Thee pain is unbearable and I think about how inconsiderate i am for Buhle I promised not to cry.

I promised that I will be strong for her but instead I’m out here crying as loudly as I can, am I selfish?