I spent my life heavy-hearted, broken-hearted nothing that was happening made sense to me. I used to sit and wait for her outside my house…. sometimes I would walk to school to fetch her, only to remember when I am close by that we buried her two months ago. Whenever I think of how she died, how I lost her I feel as if I’m a irresponsible parent reckless mother. She came into my life when I had lost everything; had no hope; no faith; no love I had nothing. There was no reason for me to live in this world after the death of my parents. I tried several times killing myself with no success, following them was the only option I had. Whatever I tried fell apart nothing I did was prosperous nor successful I often wondered what was I living for.

I questioned God for he says he has plans to prosper me not to harm me, then why is all this happening to me? Why is he allowing me to harm myself? My mother was my everything she was the reason for my existence, all I was doing I was doing it for her… everything! I used to cry and pray daily for my departure but it seemed as if God wasn’t ready to listen to my prayers nor answer it. My heart and soul was shutted, downcast ed I even wondered whether does God love me?

My heart was filled with anger and resentment I wasn’t at peace I then changed my prayer and asked God to give me internal peace for he never wanted me dead. Right after that he gave me a beautiful blessings and I named her Zanesbani of which is come with light when translated to English. I believed that she was there to lighten each and every corner in my life.