Returned to Facebook and found that Holly had been online sixteen minutes ago and she’d seen my last text without bothering to leave a response. I almost cried again, I felt the return of the tears but I held myself together and wiped my eyes . When did I become such a cry baby? Damn, it was so embarrassing . I knew I was alone in my room but still, almost cried because some Facebook chick left me on seen, that was embarrassing to me. I felt like blocking her but I didn’t. That would hurt me even more. She was the only person I chat with. I didn’t chat with any of the members in my family, had none of them as fiends. I was actually protecting them from viewing my timeline. They should not see the things that I post. Offline and online I was two different people.
Holly was the only one I chat with. All the other hoes ignored my DM’s. I’d be scrolling on my timeline, see this pic of a pretty girl. The way my mind fastforwards things, I’d see myself marrying this girl or making babies with her or having one of those arguments with her which always end with an angry kiss and rough sex against the wall, that time I don’t even know the sound of the girl’s voice I’ve only seen her pic for three seconds. Shit is crazy.
By then shit would be more crazy because I’ve texted her hi. Only a few of them respond. That is how I met Holly. I told her about my mind’s habit of fastforwarding things and she laughed. That is how our first text conversation began. And before I knew it, a couple of days later me and Holly were still chatting. She never got dismayed by my shit. It was a blessing because I could literally tell her anything I wanted to tell her without worrying how she’ll take it. That’s why I liked Holly.
But now she was offline, so I looked for my fucking earphones and found them under the bed (don’t really know how they got there). I plugged them in, put the songs in shuffle mode and hit play. The beat for Highest In The Room kicked in, Travis started rapping. Once again the song enhanced my imaginations. Another scenario: I was in a jacuzzi with babes like Holly (imagined her ass was fat, not flat) and Siza (her pretty version) on my sides.
The hook of the song takes me to another scenario: I was driving around in a yellow Ferrari, this Highest In The Room screaming from the speakers. I pulled up at the bank. All the people turned to look at me. A Ferrari? This young kid. I grinned at the disbelief in their looks and silence. What’s even more cool is that among the people in the queue are two of my classmates, T-bang and Mastermind, the duo that looks down on me and bullies me at school. You should have seen the looks on their faces when they saw me hopping out of the yellow sports car. There is also Sello as well, he’s alive. He knew I’m richer than him now. The people in the queue all looked me as I lifted the door open, not pushing it. All eyes at my car. The black horse on the front logo, the eight letter words above it, and motherfuckers know how to read and spell. Of course it’s a Ferrari, nigga!
Unlike the people, I didn’t join the queue. I simply strolled past them and all their faces moved with me. The queue was at the standstill now. I entered the bank with Versace flip flops on my damn feet, the next time they look down on me they’ll see Medusa faces.
When the song was over I opened my eyes and my smile dissolved. Shit. There’s a downside to everything. When the daydream inducing song ends, I’m harshly reminded of my current situation. There was no Ferrari, in fact there was no car in my family. There weren’t any babes surrounding me; Siza’s probably stoned at her room and Holly’s in the US. I was on this mess of a bed instead of a jacuzzi. T-bang and Mastermind would still bully me on Monday when I return to school and Sello died not knowing that I’m richer than him (because I’m not). The only time I’d be seen at the bank is if grandma sent me there to make some deposits of her grant money. And if I were to buy Versace flip flops I would probably need to sell all my stuff or get a loan or something.
Nonetheless, I did appreciate the imaginations, periods of escapisms and stimulations these songs offered me. I really wished I was a rapper, or Travis Scott’s friend or something. Rappers live nice lives.
Monks by Frank Ocean was the next track that played. I had listened to this song for like a million times now I could sing the entire lyrics in my sleep. I pressed the next button: Hope by Xxxtentacion, boring. Next button: Hot by Gunna, Nav (I don’t why he’s on the song) and Young Thug. Everytime I listened to this song I always felt like I’m in a concert or music video. But I skipped the song, next button: Burn by Juice Wrld. Boring. Next: Highest In The Room by Travis Scott, I already heard it. Next, Lil Uzi Vert You better move, not in the mood for it. Next, Hero by Mariah Carey. Wait..Mariah Carey? How’d she get in my phone? Anyways, I went from song to song but I didn’t find the right one to listen to. I thought I had a song for every situation I was in. My playlist needed an update, for real.
There were rumours that A-reece had released a surprise album, so I went to Facebook to check if it’s all true. As usual I clicked the messengers portal. Holly was online. She still hadn’t texted me back. Shit. Why? I texted her again and waited six minutes (and fifteen seconds) for her to respond back. She did. But not in a satisfactory way to make up for all times I had to wait for her to say something.
You know there are things you don’t want to admit because you dread to face the hurtful truth. For me some of them were this, whatever it was I had with Holly. Or whatever I thought it was. Out of all the many hoes I texted she was the only one who responded. That made me think we were Facebook friends. Now I realised there’s no such thing as that. Friend is too big a word to be associated with a one-dimension thing such as Facebook, where you talk with keyboards, you can’t feel the emotions and you only laugh with emojis and reactions, not the actual voice. Maybe I was bitching but fuck it. Whatever.
I had ignored the truth for a long time and by the time I was left with no choice but to face it, shit hurt like hell. I learnt a new lesson: always acknowledge the truth while it’s still early, do not use distractions and don’t buy time. You’ll always run away from the truth but at some point you’ll always find it ahead, waiting for you.
My online “friendship” with this Holly chick was just based on loneliness. My loneliness. And my text conversations with her were one sided; she’d never text me if I didn’t text her. If I’d never text her for six months then she too would never text me for six months. For the most part, were weren’t chatting, she was just replying to my texts, that’s all. I’d text her in long paragraphs and she would respond in one lines or few sentences. I don’t remember getting a paragraph text from Holly.
Had I acknowkedged all of this earlier on then I wouldn’t be as broken as I was right now. I texted Holly “goodbye, slut (with four middle finger emojs) ” then I blocked her out of my life. I went to WhatsApp and thought of something to say to Siza. I owed her an explanation and apology.
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