I remember when I first saw you and looked into your eyes. I experienced a strong feeling of affection rising inside my heart. You smiled at me, but you never showed yourself to me again. I was hurt, or I must say I only realise that hurt now. I guess we were both too shy to reach out to each other. We both had walls around us. There was no way I could destroy my wall and yours, and there was absolutely no way you could also do that. I only want to imagine myself needing you as a friend, but no! I always wanted you to be my lover.
After Primary many years passed without me seeing you, not knowing where you were or what you were doing. I began to connect with your cousin, and know her personally at Junior School. I heard her talk to her other cousin, and she mentioned your name. I was like, “Damn, this name definitely makes my heart beat”. I wanted to burst and comment about you, but then I decided to hold myself. I believe that it’s for the best. I didn’t want my secret (my feelings for you) to land on the wrong ears. The idea of them fussing over the idea of us was too much for me. I realised again that “I love you”.
In my late teen’s meeting you was a total surprise. You yourself were a total shock. In our first meetup you didn’t meet my expectations. I expected classy and outspoken but you were the opposite. Not to be critic. You turned me off but I decided to give you a chance because you had that sparkling uniqueness in your eyes. I also had been single for too long. I kind of dragged our relationship. I didn’t believe I looked good enough in terms of clothes and hair to be out and about with you. On the other hand you wanted to be intimate, I wasn’t sure about that. I wasn’t bold enough to communicate my concerns and feelings with you. I saw breaking apart from you as the only solution.
After amending our relationship this year. I have learnt that I still have a distance to go at fixing my self image. I have to trust my voice and know that I can be heard.
I have decided that I will from now give us a last meaningful chance. I am looking forward to being more active and creative in our relationship. I choose to be more communicating and pay attention instead of being ignorant. I choose to be a partner and take full part in our becoming. I choose to fully love and embrace you. I choose to embrace myself and opinions in your presence. I’m allowing my self to love and be loved. Our love is unleashed.