So today I discovered that I still have my head in the clouds despite my brutal downfall 2020 which is not so long ago. After my recovery I promised myself that I would never be so out of touch with reality, I wouldn’t have such massive dreams and the belief that I could do and be anything that I want to be. But there I was today today during my ‘forced’ run-it’s a forced run because I really didn’t feel like running this evening but forced myself to- looking at the mountain ahead and imagining myself on top of the mountain where my head and upper body would literally appear or rather be hidden in the clouds. Thereby having my head in the clouds literally.

Well I’m pleased I ended up running, as if to say I had a choice, it ended up being a great training session of interval running. The runs will happen whether I like it or not. This year I have committed myself to running every single day, yes…365+days, the reason I say plus is because on other days I will have two runs- one in the morning and the other in the evening. I am totally aware that it won’t be easy running every single day but it’s highly possible. Every day if his life Nelson Mandela ran in the morning and when he was in prison he would jog on the same spot for an hour. His my biggest role model, I’m hoping I can go on to achieve great things as he did. With the running I would like to go back to being the runner that I was before being diagnosed with psychosis, I still want to loss more weight as I gained a lot of it. But mostly I want to be an individual that is disciplined, and I believe this is one way of doing it.

Ahhhh so as I imagined myself there in the clouds, I also thought of how sweet it would be if I could be there with my husband to be making our vows to each other and being so close to God, being surrounded by the beautiful green vast valley’s of Eastern Cape. A sucker for love is what I am. The husband to be that I am imagining is a guy I met two days ago, let’s call him ‘Mr Fixer’. I’m hoping we not related, I’ll tell you why I say that just after I have told you why I call him ‘the Fixer’- ‘Mr Fix IT’. We met at the internet cafe. I had been there to print a document, just before hitting the print button the battery died on the laptop that was being used which was their only laptop and the owner had difficulty charging it as the charger was faulty. So the owner asks his friend ‘Mr Fixer’ if by any chance he could fix it, which he was so he helped him with it. So I sat and waited patiently and they offered me a alcoholic beverage they were about to indulge in which I politely declined and continued with the waiting scrolling through my phone. I would lift my head from my phone now and again to respond to what was being said to me. As I was about to leave after paying for the document, he tried very hard to figure out where be knew me from, I was convinced he was confusing me with someone else. After I told him my name he repeated it in a way that indicated it was familiar. And he then mentioned the name of my uncle (his home) that I had grown up in both while my mother returned to school and went on to work in Durban. As soon as he mentioned him I immediately sat down it was clear he knew me even though I couldn’t recognise him after he hold me who he was, which I found to be frustrating. So we chatted, this guy knows me from when I was very young I wasn’t even a teenager back then. He remembers me from a relative’s funeral, we were both kids back then. We both seemed happy for our reunion and chatted for a little while. After getting up to leave he said he hoped we would bump into each other again, I assured him that we would. He gave me the most sincere look (it’s this very look that makes me imagine him as the guy in with in the clouds) and he asks me to take his cellphone number which I do. And he jokes that he will come visit.

As I walk home I am filled with excitement, I can’t wait to tell my mother who I bumped into. The only problem is am not sure she will know who I am talking about. I was sure relieved when I got home and found that our nearby relatives_ the same relatives that had had the funeral where ‘Mr Fixer’ met. And all I had to say was his first name and they quickly filled my mom in on who I was talking about. And we were all shocked that he could still recognise me considering all the years that have gone by. They also mentioned the good news that had brought them to our home that the older sister was getting married! We were all delighted over the news.

As my cousin and I walk together to see one of the ladies in the community to discuss a project she’s asked me to help with we discuss how surprised I am that ‘Mr Fixer’ still recognised me. She went on to compliment him as a real hustle, as we had been talking about our ideas of trying to generate other streams of income and pipe dream before I brought up his name. I asked what he does I was told that he is a DJ and producer with his own studio, after I had assumed he was a technician. I confided in her that the was this boy I felt attracted to back then when we were at her father’s funeral although we were very young back then and wouldn’t have known about attraction and romantic feelings for boys, all I know is that it felt nice being close to him and we tried by all means to always stick together. Except I don’t remember who it was. She said she was sure it was him, why and how else was he able to recall that time and recognise me.

Well it’s most likely that it’s him. When we chatted he said I hadn’t changed much and that it would be hard to forget me. Because I was the most beautiful girl that everyone wanted to be around. I can’t say this isn’t true because I recall my aunties calling me ‘Muhleh’ which means beautiful. And I once heard another aunt telling my mother that she should marry me off to a doctor because of how beautiful I am.

Just before turning 21 I was married off to a much older guy who happens to be a foreigner who would desert me and our one year old son to seek greener pastures. This really puzzled me and when I raised it as an issue he told me that he had left his family in Zimbabwe in coming to South Africa so it wouldn’t be anything new. I will never forget those words. Not knowing how grateful I would later become as I felt so relieved that God took me away from that situation. I would have never walked out as bad as the situation, because our culture sees having a failed marriage as something that shows weaknesses in a woman, and I was determined never to be seen as a failure or a weak person because I certainly don’t view myself that way. As we stand I’ve just began the process of divorce and I’m hoping that it can be done soon without any issues so that I am be able to move on with someone else.

Who know it may just be ‘Mr Fixer’, I’ve always admired a handy and useful man. Funny enough my mother and I had this chat a couple of days ago, where I very randomly asked her if she would prefer to have a guy who is able to fix things…before I could finish she told me she would prefer someone who is able to buy stuff, who’d therefore be loaded with money so they wouldn’t need to fix anything. Well I beg to differ on this. This is probably another reason I have taken a liking to ‘Mr Fixer’. It may also be the fact that I’m single…as single as I can be in my situation.

So I have his number but I decided that I won’t contact him just yet, I’ll make him wait. Meanwhile his the guy I’m imagining myself marrying…there high up in the mountain with our heads in the clouds.