WARNING: This piece refers to sexual abuse.

For the past seven years, I’ve been writing about my pain and my struggles. I’ve been hurting, and the only way I’ve been able to heal myself was through pen and paper. Those two have been my biggest supporters since day one of my pain. 

I’ve never enjoyed my childhood years. Those years were supposed to be the happiest of my entire life. But rape and pain got in the way. Broke me, groomed me from a child to a young women, as young as I was. Comparing myself to other children was the worst. Trying to fit in squads of friends never worked. It only made my friends run away from me. So, I never had real friends. Nothing was a long time. They came and quickly went on.

Today, it’s different. This piece is not about hurting and finding peace. It’s about healing and closing this chapter of my life. Yes, the wound will always be fresh, but I think it’s time to let go of the past. Let bygones be bygones. I want a fresh, new and clean page – where I’ll write about my happy moments. I want to smile and love myself. Love the naked me. I want to look at myself in the mirror and see no fault. 

Rape, you’ve caused me nothing but pain for the last seven years. Through each year, you’ve piled up and suffocated me. Today, I’m breaking free from you. Today is the day I divorce you if we have ever been married. I’m setting you free from my heart; I don’t want to hurt and cry no more. Set me free. 

Setting you free from my life doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about everything. No, I still remember all those incidents; I still remember my rapist. Every single detail. His smell, the words. I’m just tired of tormenting myself every day. Remind myself each morning that I was raped; I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I don’t want to deprive myself of the life I could offer myself. It happened, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I cannot go back and change the hands of the clock and make changes to everything. I’m accepting it; I WAS RAPED. Now, let me move on with life.

Allow me to find a life worth living. Allow me to be happy and find love. Let me find real love and relationships. I want friends I can count on. Not short-term friends; I want an Always and Forever. Those Ride or Die types of relationships. Something real that I could be proud of having. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay whilst I’m dying inside. I want to be proud of having friends that I can count on. Be proud of the type of man I love, be proud that he doesn’t think any less of me.

Is that too much to ask for? Now I beg you to release me from this cage of pain and set me free to the world full of nature. Just this once, let me smile; the smile should be real. Not a pretentious smile. Please, let me be in charge of my own life.