Allan Kolski Horwitz
1
He wears a round straw hat on his shaven head
black track suit
on the back: Up the Bucks
buys 2 litre bottles of Castle
drinks them in taxis
swears at the larneys who want to keep the masses out of Sandton
says ‘sharp’ at least five times a sentence
clips on a Rasta Afrika brooch
loves to boogie to the saxophone
knows how to break a pipe
when the wind howls on the Cape Flats
knows how to stir pap till its smooth and thick
when rain flattens shacks in Diepsloot
2
He carries two cell phones and five bank cards
can’t take his eyes off the punkies whose black braids
turn Thembi into Priscilla and Thandi into Jane
can’t take his hands off their bums and breasts
drinks at a shebeen in Fordsburg
eats hot curry
drinks at a shebeen in Meadowlands
passes out after a ten hour session
car hijacked by tsotsis at a robot in Doornfontein
together with his platform shoes and leather jacket
he applies for a job at the Ministry of Communication
writes a tv script about Kandar the African prince
who takes back the People’s land
3
He smokes Winston
plays marabaraba and the lotto
calls every man, bra
wears black shades
reads the Sowetan and Business Day
buys a ticket to Luanda but doesn’t fly
buys a ticket to London
sent back from London
starts an Empowerment company
buys a house next to a cabinet minister
becomes a financial adviser to the ruling party
has dinner with Madiba
drinks Johnny Walker with Alan Boesak
is present when Steven Cohen
shits on stage and calls that: art
gets married to a pale woman
with a drug problem
4
He develops a drug problem
buys up old hotels in Hillbrow
becomes a brothel keeper
buys a gun
bribes the cops
learns to play the guitar maskanda style
runs a nightclub in Rockey street
buys a holiday flat at Uvongo
becomes a dj on Yfm
goes to raves disguised as a gymmer
drinks at Kippies
phones in to Radio Metro and bitches about the amakwerekere
phones in to SA fm and slams Hansie Cronjie
runs for president of the Young Black Achiever Club and loses
runs for chairperson of Old Eds Health and Raquet Club and wins
sends his step-daughter to a private school in Pretoria
dances with Adelaide Tambo at de Klerk’s third wedding
to a Vietnamese ballet dancer
writes a novel about his experiences in exile
falls asleep during a Bafana Bafana semi-final against Togo
is threatened with deportation by Comrade Mbeki
for mispronouncing the word ‘ rennaisance’
5
He is buried on a sunny Sunday morning
his funeral more organised than Joe Slovo’s
more powerful than Chris Hani’s
sadder than his mother’s and father’s
rest in peace: Whitey