Hello Kitty-Kat, Goodbye Sanity

30 June 2006

My world in chaotic turmoil,
I run wildly about in search
Of the key to my freedom,
The end of this entrapment.

My life is scattered colours,
Endless struggles of pain,
Journeys over oceans deep,
And now, I walk with a crutch.

I am attached by ball and chain,
Held and tied down to nails,
My limp is clear for all to see,
The mistake I made to put me here.

At this time there is one constant,
A single element of confidence,
The reason I do not opt for death,
Or to run and hide in shame.

You are the calm in my storm,
Beside me you remain, steadfast,
Encourage me through faith,
To walk beside me through this rain.

Even when the cold gets in,
My biggest weakness revealed,
The dam wall breaks with floods,
And I am left in a mess of silt and mud.

I thank you for making me whole,
For the joy you bring to me,
And unconditional love you give,
Making it worthwhile to hang on.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and before we knew it, a whole year had gone by. The entire time had been spent living the most absurd and mundane life. We very rarely saw any of our friends as we never had money to go to a braai or to even go clubbing. We didn’t have money to go to the movies or do anything a normal couple would do. We used our salaries to pay for our basic needs and the rest we would spend within two weeks on kat. I absolutely hated my life. I believed that the only good thing I still had was my beloved, beautiful Seth.

During that year I had managed to get a great new job as a trainer and, for the first time ever, I loved my work. I had to travel to all kinds of places in South Africa to do my training sessions and it was something I was good at!

The drugs were starting to affect my work though. Every Monday I was too weak and brain dead to function properly. After a whole weekend of no sleep or food you can just imagine how I felt on a Monday. Then came Tuesday, and in the club scene we had a name for this day when the worst of the come-down depression would hit: ‘Suicide Tuesday’. I would finally start feeling human again on a Wednesday and by Friday I was good to go again. And so the vicious cycle would begin all over.

Every Sunday night, while Seth lay sleeping soundly after the last line had been snorted, I would not be able to sleep. That is when I would sit through the endless, irritating night, facing my inner demons and writing it all down in my journal. I so longed to be free from this trap I had fallen into again. I condemned myself for being so unbelievably stupid. I hated this weakness I had. I would promise myself that the following weekend I’d be strong and resist the temptation… but it never happened…

The kat was my boss. No matter how I resisted, every Friday night it convinced me that ‘One Last Time’ would be just fine…

***

Tell us what you think: How do drugs take over your life?