YOU DON’T NEED TO APOLOGISE FOR…

Telling a friend the truth

Ever so often you’ll need to tell a good friend something she (or he) doesn’t want to hear – that she’s dating a manipulative cheat, perhaps, or that she’s messing her boyfriend around because she’s afraid of commitment, or she’s spreading a false and damaging rumour about someone who makes her feel inadequate. If it’s important, and you know you’re doing the right thing, don’t feel too bad about saying what you have to.

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IS YOUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS A LITTLE TOO TIGHT?

We all need friends, especially in cities, where it’s easy to feel lonely and cut off. Cliques provide us with security, warmth and closeness, and socialising almost entirely with the same group of people isn’t necessarily a bad thing – as long as it’s made up of accepting people. The ‘health’ of a particular clique depends a lot on its members: if it’s made up mostly of insecure and domineering types, the general atmosphere won’t offer you freedom and joy.

If, for instance, your close-knit group of friends is preoccupied with jealousy and gossip that revolves around the relationships within the group, it’s not healthy. The incestuous recycling of relationships in the group, instead of open interaction with the wider world, is another symptom of social decay. So is feeling pressurised by your friends to do anything you’re not comfortable with, whether it’s taking drugs, drinking excessively or behaving out of character. If any of these aspects have crept into your social circle, you owe it to yourself to find a group of friends with whom you can be yourself.

When your clique stops being receptive to the introduction of new people, see it as a warning light. It’s better to get out then, because it means the group has taken on an identity of its own, which includes bullying – however subtle. Here’s the bottom line: if you have to sacrifice your individuality and compromise your choices to avoid the group’s disapproval, the group isn’t doing you much good. Real friends should be open and accepting enough to respect your choices, enabling you to move freely in and out of the group.

Breaking free

Thinking of moving on? Breaking out of a clique and meeting new people requires confidence and a willingness to take risks. You’ll have to make a conscious, active choice to break out, because it can become ver easy and comfortable to stay with the status quo.

But the benefits can be far-reaching. Changing your habits stretches you and can be really good for you. Change challenges your coping strategies and brings out other aspects of your personality.

If your clique makes you blossom and grow as a person, make the most of it! But if it’s restrictive and prescriptive, your best option is to leave. Ideally, you should be able to move in and out of your social group without disapproval or rejection.

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HOW TO CONSOLE A GRIEVING FRIEND

Your close friend’s parent, sibling or beloved family member has died. What can you do?

1. Communicate warmth and caring

Hug your friend, squeeze her hand or simply sit with her in silent companionship.

2. Be there for your friend

Especially during an early visit, don’t feel you have to speak. Being quietly supportive, and accepting that you might feel helpless too, is far more important than offering philosophical sermons on the nature of death.

3. Write a letter or email

By writing down your memories of your friend’s family member, you’ll give him or her an ongoing source of comfort, as it can be read again and again.

4. Help out with practicalities

Offer to feed the cats, water the plants, cook dinner or do your friend’s chores.

5. Listen

Allow your friend to express his or her feelings, such as anger, guilt and frustration, and don’t take them personally. Let your friend cry when he or she needs to.

6. Respond with empathy

Say simple, reassuring things such as ‘That must have been very painful for you’, ‘It’s okay to be angry’, and ‘I’m sorry’. Avoid using unhelpful clichés such as ‘Time is a great healer’ and ‘I know how you feel’.

7. Be patient

Grieving can take years. Don’t tell your friend that he or she ‘should be over that by now’.

8. Don’t stop mentioning the deceased’s name

If your friend’s mother has died, for example, recall happy times you spent with your friend and her mom, and use her mother’s name in normal conversation. Keeping these memories alive is an enormous comfort to anyone grieving a loss.