I believe women have the power to influence their families’ emotional tenor. They have the ability to create happiness as well as unhappiness and strife in their homes.

I believe that, in a happy marriage, the husband works to provide while the woman works to create a harmonious, happy home (even if she also works to provide). Each partner sees and appreciates the efforts of the other. Darkness creeps in when one party isn’t satisfied with the efforts of the other and accusations start to fly. These accusations cause guilt, guilt encourages loneliness, loneliness makes one unhappy and unhappiness threatens marital unity to the point of one partner seeking happiness elsewhere.

I was once a young wife too, and I have seen many young wives struggle with the same things I did when I was young. I believe that the source of love is deep, and often all it takes is one word, one action, one thought to reduce your spouse’s suffering and return to joy.

When I speak to young women experiencing marital strife, I like to remind them of a few things:

– If your husband chose to marry you, he was not forced.
– If he admires your friend’s dress, he might want to give you a similar one.
– If his meeting was supposed to end at 8 pm and he comes home at 10 pm, he was not the chairperson.
– If he complains about a nagging secretary at the office, do not give him a nagging wife at home.
– If he does not finish his dinner, it is possible that there is a restaurant near the car wash he used on his way home.
– If he is quiet because he is upset, it might have nothing to do with you.
– If he gives his secretary a lift home, it might have been because of the bad weather.
– If your neighbour warns you about your husband, she can just as easily warn him about you.
– If his smile is broad when seeing the housekeeper, perhaps it’s because she packs his bag so neatly.
– If he says he forgot to pay for electricity, your brother forgets too.
– If you throw his dinner plate down in front of him in anger, only the dog understands body language.
– If your mother-in-law whispers when talking to her son, your mother goes with you to the bathroom to talk to you.
– If you excuse yourself when you make a mistake, your husband too needs to be excused.
– If you lied to cool down your neighbour, your husband can lie to cool you down too.

In short, if you have realised that you are not perfect like everybody else, your husband is just like everybody else too. To belittle and accuse him will only result in avoidance and lies. Rather believe him and be understanding. Inject some humour when commenting on his shortcomings, if you feel you absolutely have to: if his shoes are dirty, blame the mud, and if he comes home late, blame the watch. Make giving a way of life.

I believe in the power of women. Women are strong, emotionally and mentally, and have the tolerance, compassion and understanding to adapt to any situation. To empower a young woman to have patience and control over her thoughts is to help her achieve her dreams in creating a happy family. Is that not what we all wish for?

Ask yourself                                            

When you are upset with each other, do you stew quietly, or have you learnt to communicate effectively? Have you learnt to say, “This is how I am feeling”? Have you learnt to respect your partner for being open about their feelings?

How do you resolve conflict? Do you wait until you have a quiet moment together, or do you fly off the cuff there and then? How much do you value honesty with each other? Do you show understanding and empathy, or do you sit in judgment? Do you speak to each other in a manner that fosters respect?

Effective communication in a marriage is honest, non-accusatory and non-judgmental. It is, in a word, respectful. That isn’t always easy to achieve, especially when you and your spouse disagree, but there can be no positive outcome when words are said with disrespect.

Many couples struggle to speak openly about finances and their views of their family’s future. These are emotionally charged subjects that easily trigger accusations and scorn. Learn to get in touch with your feelings around these subjects and examine whether these feelings are reasonable. If they are, focus on communicating your position with respect, bearing in mind that your partner may have equally reasonable beliefs that do not concur.

A strong marriage is one where both partners empower each other. Some spouses seem to find pleasure in belittling their partners   as a way to feel better about themselves. A more productive and effective approach would be for them to work on developing confidence about themselves instead. Yes, you are allowed to acknowledge your achievements. Knowing who you are doesn’t make you proud or boastful.

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Tell us: What are your thoughts on Connie Ngcaba’s ideas about being a wife?