I had always known what I wanted to do, especially when I was in high school. I prayed so much during my final exams that I’d do well. I knew doing well in matric would open many doors for me, or so we were told. In 2011, I wrote my final and when I got my results, I couldn’t believe it. Was this really me? I asked myself in disbelief.

I was never the smartest learner and I was never under any illusions about that. That’s why I prayed hard and tried to work twice as hard to amaze not just everyone around me but myself too. I remember praying, “God, please let me achieve beyond my expectations. I want to go beyond my capabilities.” This had become my daily prayer, my anthem during the course of my exams. This was why I couldn’t understand, when I got my results.

I had passed fairly well. Well, almost all my subjects. But, failing the most important one – Mathematics – didn’t work in my favour. I then had to write supplementary exams for this subject. I had to wait the whole of 2012 before I could see the doors to university open for me. It was painful, but I had to do it to fulfil my dreams.

“Konke kuzolunga, all will be well,” everyone tried to console me.

“Don’t doubt God. He has bigger plans for you,” my mother loved saying when I wept uncontrollably. The more she tried, the worst I felt. I couldn’t get it; why must this God of hers try to sabotage my dreams? I asked myself in anger. Firstly, He had taken an important person in my life, my grandmother, and now my life! I slumped into a depression.

I had lost hope in myself and in God. My friend got accepted to UWC and she was already attending the Orientation. She was happy but I knew it was hard for her to show me how happy and excited she really was. It messed up our friendship. Her visits to me became less and less, until they were no more.

I felt alone. My friend had her new life in university, my mother had her faith and I had nothing. And nobody understood. I spent my days in bed. I had a perfect routine; eat, sleep, wake up, cook, eat, and sleep. My mother was worried but there was nothing she could do.

It was during this madness that I met my ex-boyfriend, after years of not seeing each other. He was still as handsome as ever and a charmer. In no time I had forgotten the reason we broke up all those years ago, and found myself back together with him.

We had all the time in the world to be together. People were working and students were at school. We met during the day and again later. I didn’t care much for anything else, being with him passed time and kept my mind off my misery.

It got to a point where our relationship became my one true obsession. Siya was now my life and I lived for his every word. His sweet lies became my consolation, they were better than the “Sorry ma’am but your application was unsuccessful” that I would hear every time I tried to check on my applications. After a while I stopped even that and it became my brother’s duty to check over the Internet. The status was always the same: Pending.

My mom did not like my new behaviour; out all day to be with Siya and out at night, to be with Siya too. She had been waiting for me to come back to my old self but time was passing by and she was starting to stress. Her main worry was that I would fall pregnant and that would end whatever hope I had of getting a further education – the key to a life free from poverty.

One evening, I think she told herself, it was enough.

“Nosie, lungis’izinto zakho zibe sendaweni enye – get your things together. Tomorrow we are going to town,” she said as I was about to finish the dishes after dinner.

“Izinto zantoni – what things?” I asked, not interested in anything.

“Your Matric certificate and application documents,” she answered. She saw the “why bother” look on my face and then she added, “We are going to get you into a school.”

At first I thought it was her ploy to try and keep me from going to sleep over at Siya’s place. But the more I argued the more determined she became.

“Why? They won’t accept me mos without my supplementary results,” I moaned.

“Better to start applying now than to continue just sitting around waiting, don’t you think?” she said sounding hopeful.

“I’d rather wait,” I said.

“Well, not in my house, you won’t! Tomorrow siyahamba, we are going. That’s final,”

In the end, I saw that it was not negotiable. Just to amuse her I agreed. We were set to wake up very early the following day so an early night was required.

I texted Siya and told him I wasn’t coming to see him that evening.

Sorry babe, mom nt well. Stayin in 2nyt.

Kul luv. Hope she gets betta. Miss u.

Siya texted back.

I couldn’t help but feel sad that I couldn’t be with him. Lying to him was even worse. But I couldn’t risk telling him the truth in case I jinxed it. But there was something else I was feeling too: it was hope.

But I couldn’t let it surface in case I got disappointed. That night – for the first time in a long time – I prayed.

***

Tell us: Do you think Nosie will find a school?