Kamvi dreamt of a baby crying. In her dream, the nurse handed Litha to her and told her to feed her. Litha was so tiny that Kamvi felt she could hold her with one hand. Her mother, Gogo and the nurse were all standing around the bed talking at once. Giving her advice on how to feed Litha.

“Hold the head, otherwise the neck will break,” Gogo said.

“Don’t let her lay flat, she will choke,” Kamvi’s mother chipped in.

“Don’t hold her too close, or she’ll suffocate,” the nurse offered.

All these women had experience with babies and Kamvi didn’t know which advice to take when. The baby started to scream. She put her nipple in Litha’s mouth but when the baby started to suck on her nipple nothing came out.

Kamvi squeezed and squeezed around her nipple and the baby screamed louder and louder. Kamvi sobbed. She couldn’t feed her own baby. The baby was crying and hungry. Everyone started shouting at her. And then suddenly the baby fell silent and a doctor was standing next to the bed. The baby was dead.

Kamvi woke up with the sheets wet from her sweat. Her heart was pounding and her cheeks were wet from crying. The dream had terrified her.

“Where is my baby?” she asked the first nurse she saw in the ward.

“In the nursery. Go shower and we’ll bring her for feeding,” the nurse said. Kamvi was scared. What if she killed the baby, starved it, as happened in her dream? But she couldn’t say such a thing to the nurse so she just limped to the showers.

Kamvi was discharged some hours later. Even though she was still weak and needed help to breastfeed Litha, she was happy to go home.

Her mother said she could only stay for a week before she had to do her next bus tour, and then Kamvi would only have Gogo to help her with the baby. It was better than being in the Midwife Obstetric Unit, with a ward full of nurses who she felt were judging everything she did with Litha. At least her mother and Gogo didn’t judge her. They took Litha when she cried. Gogo loved cuddling her; she didn’t want to put the baby down. Kamvi’s mother would argue that the baby would get used to being carried all the time and that Kamvi would never be able to do anything.

Kamvi was still constantly tired. Whenever Litha fed, Kamvi would be left with sore breasts. Her mother told her to rest, because when she was gone, she would have to do it on her own.

Kamvi watched when her mother changed the baby and when she bathed her. She couldn’t believe that this little alien creature came from her body. It was a strange feeling knowing that Litha was her baby, but feeling like she didn’t really belong to her.

At times she felt a rush of love for Litha, but at others she felt separate from her, and cold and lonely. She felt bitter about Yanda; his complete lack of responsibility. How could she have fooled herself that he did love her and would be there for her? She couldn’t help thinking of what Cynthia and her friends were doing while she was stuck at home feeding, and bathing in a haze of tiredness. She couldn’t help wishing in these moments that she could rewind time and have a different life, where she could still go out with her friends and be young and carefree. And when this happened she felt scared, but also guilty for having those feelings.

The first time she herself bathed Litha at home, the baby cried so much that Kamvi thought she had burnt her with hot water. Her mother had ended up taking over.

“I’m leaving early in the morning,” her mother warned over dinner. Kamvi felt overwhelmed with fear. Both Gogo and Kamvi would miss her but Kamvi knew her mother had to work to support her and the baby. However, that night Kamvi prayed that her mother would change her mind and stay a little longer.

But when she woke up the next morning, Nomvu was gone.

“Nobody teaches you this, but raising a child is ninety per cent instinct and ten per cent luck,” her Gogo tried to comfort her. “There is no training involved, so don’t worry.”

Kamvi felt fortunate that Litha was a sweet baby who rarely cried. When she was fed and her nappy changed, she was happy. The first night without her mother, the baby cried in the middle of the night. Kamvi gave her the breast as her mother always told her to. Afterwards she burped her and the little angel slept again. Kamvi was relieved that she had handled it.

The last day of the month Gogo had to go fetch her pension. Kamvi rose early to help her get ready. Litha was still sleeping when Gogo left. She had been up most of the night – and that meant Kamvi had too.

Kamvi decided to get on with the day’s work. She started with the nappies so they could dry outside. Just as she was busy washing, the baby woke up. She ran to attend to her.

“There, there, my sweet little light,” she hummed, as she prepared to feed. As Litha suckled on her nipple, Kamvi marvelled at how tiny she was, and stared again into her face. Litha had Kamvi’s eyes and Yanda’s mouth. Kamvi immediately tried to push the thought of Yanda out of her mind.

When she was done burping the child, she lay her gently on the bed and went to boil water to bath the baby. She had just switched on the electric kettle when she heard a shrill cry from the baby – and then silence. She ran to the bedroom.

***

Tell us what you think: What has happened to Litha?