2011 was my first year at university. I had performed outstandingly in matric and I was granted the bursary that I was crossing my fingers for. My father drove me to the university residence in his boss’s taxi.

“Remember to take care of yourself, Zizipho. Don’t do any of those silly things that I hear the kids here do, siyevana?” my father said firmly after we unloaded my baggage from the taxi and carried it to my room.

“Ewe Tata, I promise to only do what I have come here to do,” I assured him. He hugged me and drove off.

The university environment was intimidating for me and it made me feel more insecure about myself. The other girls spoke about boys and what outfits to wear. I had no dress sense and they looked at me like I was an oddity. My heart sank as I felt excluded yet again. I had thought that at varsity it would be different.

The first semester was coming to an end and still I hadn’t made friends. I did have two lab partners who enjoyed my company, though I wouldn’t call them friends. They only liked me because I always came to the lab prepared and I was there to help when they were struggling to write their lab reports. I had nothing to contribute to their other conversations, the ones that didn’t have anything to do with studying.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Avela, one of my lab partners, asked one day. My other lab partner, Sive, looked at me eagerly, waiting to hear my response.

“Are you done with question 4.1.2?” I asked, trying not to entertain her question.

“Come on now. We are all girls. Don’t be like this, Zee.” She made puppy eyes.

“No! Ok? No. Can we carry on now?” I said, looking her straight in the eyes. I thought if I said it confidently, they would think it was my choice to be single.

“I told you, Avela,” Sive blurted out, laughing, and Avela joined her. Sive’s words stung my heart. I couldn’t believe they were having such conversations behind my back.

“I guess we are done here.” I angrily packed my books. I put my lab coat inside my bag, and left them laughing. I had already submitted my lab report anyway; I was just helping them finish theirs.

“Zee! Zizipho, wait, we were just messing with you,” they called after me. “You need to lighten up.” But I was already out of the lab.

“Hey! Sorry!” I heard a voice I didn’t recognise behind me as I walked to my next lecture.

I turned around to see a guy trying to catch up with me. He looked very familiar. He was carrying a huge backpack and had thick glasses. He was holding a textbook in one hand and a pen in the other.

“You surely can walk fast, hey!” he said, coming alongside me. I said nothing and gave him a ‘Speak fast. I don’t have time’ look.

“I think this pen may have fallen from your bag while you were leaving the lab,” he said, handing it to me. He didn’t walk away but stood awkwardly waiting for me to say something.

“Thanks,” I said. I turned my back on him to walk away.

“I’m Loyiso,” he said coming after me.

I stopped and turned to look at him, “What?”

“My name is Loyiso. I work a few rows behind you at the lab,” he said pointing back at the lab with his thumb. I could tell from the way he spoke that he was nervous. He was gabbling.

There was something about him that struck me. He seemed different from the other university boys. So different that I even saw a slight reflection of myself in him. He was a living example of the nerds that are portrayed in movies. I wondered if he was nervous because he liked me, or if he was just shy. I wanted to believe the former.

“I’m Zizipho,” I replied. I couldn’t believe it! For the first time I, Zizipho, had made a guy nervous. I couldn’t believe there was a boy who had been noticing me. I thought of all the times I hated myself, thinking I was unattractive to boys, and felt excitement creeping up. Finally, there was hope I was going to have something to add to Avela and Sive’s conversations about boys. Maybe my mother was right after all and I was beautiful. I couldn’t wait to see him again the following day at the lab.

***

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