Dena sat at her desk nervous as a cat. Her mind was everywhere making it impossible to progress with her paperwork. She was nervous about the ice skating, about Shep and Robbie meeting. She got up from her desk, she was just wasting her time at her desk anyway.

She walked out into the quiet halls of her school. Classes were on and she caught snippets of lessons as she passed. She liked getting in with the classes, finding out what was really happening in her school. Teachers knew their principal could pop in their classroom at any time and that improved their own vigilance. A hands-on approach was part of what had turned the school around.

She slipped through one of the classroom doors and took a seat at the back. It was an English lesson, her subject. Tenth graders going over one of the set books. They were discussing Huckleberry Finn, one of Dena’s favourites. They were at the point in the book where Huck is staying on the island with the escaped slave Jim.

A black girl at the back raises her hand. “I didn’t like the way Huck keeps wondering if it’s right to help Jim escape. He was a slave about to be sold, what else was he going to do?”

The teacher, Mr Henderson, asked the class, “What does anyone else think about that?”

A boy slouching in a chair near the window raised his hand. Dena knew him. His name was Dwayne, he was a serious gang banger, in the Black Lords. The police had been at the school more than once for him.

“I thinks Huck lives then not now. Mark Twain is writing about then. If he makes this white boy be all, I need to stop slavery and shit then no one is going to believe it. The white boys then weren’t about that. The fact that Huck is friends with Jim and they help each other at that time is important. That’s what Mark Twain is trying to tell people. I think it’s good this book.”

Mr Henderson looked at Dena and she smiled at him. A year ago this boy was out on the streets running drugs. Now he was sitting in the classroom discussing literature.

She sat through the rest of the discussion and then went back to her office. It was nearly time for the end of the day bell. Even though she was scared about what would happen that night, she was surprised to find she was excited too. Excited to see Shep.

*****

Robbie sat in the passenger seat holding her skates. “What do you think I should call him?”

“What do you want to call him?” Dena said.

“How about Mr Shepherd?”

“That’s a bit formal. What about Shep?”

She thought about it. “Okay.”

Ever since Dena picked her up from school, Robbie had been asking question after question. She was nervous about meeting a father she didn’t even know existed. That was fair enough. Anyone would be.

They pulled into the parking lot of the skating rink. It was one of Robbie’s favourite places in the winter. It was a section of the park flooded and frozen. At night they put on big flood lights and played music. With Christmas only three weeks away, Dena could hear from the car that tonight they’d be skating to Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman all night.

“Let’s go, Pumpkin.”

“Can you fix my hat? It keeps going crooked.”

“Your hat is fine. You look perfect.”

Robbie got out of the car. “Where is he?”

“I told him we’d meet him by the concession stand. We’re a little early, he might not be here yet.”

Dena took her daughter’s hand and walked toward the stand. She spotted Shep sitting at a nearby picnic table. He looked cleaned up. He wore a red stocking hat with a long tail at the back and a red scarf. His blue eyes sparkled in the cold air. He looked almost himself. Dena smiled when she spotted him. She never thought this day would ever happen. She feared it ever since Robbie was born. But looking at Shep sitting there, she realised how perfect it was. Her daughter deserved a father and Shep would be a good one. Dena had no doubt about that.

He stood up when they came closer. “Hello Dena, Robbie.”

He held out his hand to Robbie and she took it. “Hello Shep,” Robbie said looking at him carefully.

Shep smiled awkwardly. “I don’t know…I mean I thought of getting us hot chocolate but then I thought maybe we’d skate first. Or just talk…or maybe not talk…”

Dena jumped in to help him. “You know what? Robbie you take a seat with Shep get to know each other and I’ll go get us hot chocolate.”

“And a brownie?” Robbie asked.

Dena laughed. “And a brownie.”

Friday in November was a busy night at the skating rink and Dena was happy to see a very long line at the concession stand. They needed to get to know each other and she didn’t need to be there to help them.

She carried the cardboard tray with three hot chocolates and a bag with brownies back to the table. She could see Robbie and Shep talking animatedly. Shep threw his head back and laughed and Dena realised at that moment that she hadn’t seen him laugh like that since before the court case. In all of it, that hearty, let-loose laugh got lost.

“What’s so funny?” Dena asked setting down the tray.

“Apparently Robbie is going to be Hansel in an upcoming play. She was just showing me how she thought she would pretend to be a boy,” Shep said. “She’s very good.”

“I didn’t know the part was Hansel. That’s a big part,” Dena said.

“Liza’s going to be Gretel which is good because I have to hold her hand. She asked me please, please to agree to be Hansel because she didn’t want to hold a boy’s hand. You know, getting boy germs and all,” Robbie said.

“Yes, I understand the problem,” Dena said smiling at Shep. “So you two seem to have gotten to know each other.”

“Yes,” Shep said. “Thanks for this.”

“Mommy I like Shep,” Robbie said.

“I thought you would.”

“So how about some skating?” Shep asked.

“Yes!” Robbie said, setting down her hot chocolate she’d been sipping. “I have new skates. I got them for my birthday. And I made these pink pom-poms myself. Do you know how?”

“Nope, you’ll have to show me one day. I think I need some pom-poms for my skates.”

“But not pink. Pink is for girls,” Robbie said.

“But I like pink,” Shep said.

“Okay if you want, I’ll make them pink then. Pink looks nice with black skates anyway,” Robbie said.

After putting on their skates, they started walking toward the ice holding hands. Shep turned back to Dena still sitting drinking her hot chocolate. “You coming?”

“You guys go. I’ll join you when I’m finished.”

She watched them walk down to the ice. Robbie, an adept skater, slid out to the middle and did a twirl. Shep clapped. He skated backward towards her and spun around. Together Dena could see how similar they were, their cheeks rosy from the cold. They skated together for awhile then Robbie stopped and Shep showed her how to skate backwards. She tried. He showed her again. He took her hands and skated forward while Robbie skated backwards. Soon she was doing it all alone. They looked like they’d always been together, father and daughter. Dena couldn’t believe she had denied them each other. She’d never get over the guilt she felt about that. But at least they were together now. That was what really mattered- father and daughter were together.

*****

Shep buckled Robbie into the passenger seat. He sang “Jingle Bell Rock” as he did it. Robbie giggled.

“I had a good time,” Shep said to Robbie. “I’m so happy we finally met.”

“Me too,” Robbie said.

Shep kissed her on the cheek and closed the door. He came to Dena’s side. “So what time do you want to leave tomorrow?” he asked.

“Well we’re meeting him in the afternoon. How about we leave about ten? Will that work?”

“Good. I’m going to stay at my ma’s tonight. You can get me there.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Dena said.

Shep stood a minute. He wanted to say something but was struggling. In the end he only managed, “Thanks.”

Dena nodded and drove away.

*****

At home Robbie burst through the door. “I have a new daddy!” she shouted at Mac.

He looked at Dena. “It went well then?”

“It went perfect.”

It took a bath, a cup of warm milk and a long story to get Robbie to sleep that night. She was so happy and excited. “Do you think he’ll mind if I call him daddy?”

“No, I think he’d like that. But only do it when you think you’re ready.”

“I’m ready. I really like him. He’s great. And he looks a lot like me don’t you think?”

“Yes, he does.”

“So will you marry him now?” Robbie asked.

Dena shook her head. “No, Robbie, that’s not going to happen. But he’ll always be your daddy though. He lives right here in Chicago, you can see him any time you want.”

“Okay,” she said.

Dena lay in her own bed feeling like a weight had been lifted. She was happy everything had worked out. She could tell Shep had been happy too. She fell asleep smiling.

*****

When Dena pulled up to Shep’s mother’s house, he was waiting outside, but she saw the curtains move in the house. Someone was watching them. Dena suspected she knew who.

“Good morning,” Shep said getting into the car.

“Good morning.” He followed Dena’s eyes as they looked at the shifting curtain.

“Marla and my ma. I told them you were collecting me, that we were going to Milwaukee together.”

“I’m sure that went down like a lead balloon,” Dena said as she pulled unto the road.

“Yeah, well, they’re not your biggest fans.” Dena drove and kept quiet. “I know we didn’t discuss this but I told my ma and Marla about Robbie. That was sort of the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d keep my distance from them if I were you.”

Dena never thought about that. Somehow that fell between the cracks. She forgot that Robbie had aunts and cousins and a grandmother. Another family. That was a whole other problem. “And?”

“They were happy and then angry, pretty angry. They’ll need time to think it through maybe.”

“I guess they have the right.” Though Dena said it, she didn’t really mean it. Who were they? She was Robbie’s mother and she was doing what she thought was best for Robbie. No one had the right to judge her and Shep’s mother and sisters were big on judging.

“Of course they all want to meet Robbie now. Maybe one day next week you’d let me take her to my ma’s?”

Dena knew she had to share. It was all out now; there was nothing she could do. There was no use putting Robbie in the middle of things, she wasn’t going to have that no matter what her feelings were about it all. “Yes, okay, I’ll check her school schedule. I’ll let you know on Monday.”

They drove through the snowy streets. They’d got a dumping the night before. The ploughs had been out all night into the early morning so the main streets leading to the interstate were clear. It had started snowing just after they got home the night before and had continued until morning. Heavy, wet snow.

Shep and Dena listened to the news on the radio while she made her way out onto the interstate. They’d be in Milwaukee in about two hours, in time for lunch before going out to the prison.

“I wondered why you didn’t want me to tell Terrence about us going to see this guy,” Shep said breaking the silence.

“I don’t know. I think it’s better for now to keep things quiet.” Dena didn’t like all of the question marks.

“I wanted to tell you. My guy in prison, the one protecting your kid, Leroy, he says he’s doing well. He’s studying, wants to do his GED. He’s keeping out of trouble. He keeps that up, he’ll get an early release.”

“Good,” Dena said. “Thanks again for that. He really is a great kid.”

The car became quiet again. Awkwardly quiet. It was going to be a long ride. They used to be able to talk about anything, for ever, now they struggled to keep a conversation going. Despite that there was something familiar and comforting about going on a road trip with Shep.

“You know I was thinking about Robbie last night. Trying to remember when she could have been conceived. She told me she’s born in February, the 14th, Valentine’s Day. I worked it back. I think it was that weekend we went away to that cabin by the river. You remember?”

“Sure.” Dena looked ahead. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go back to those dangerous memories. Memories of them being happy and in love.

“It was only like three weeks after that we found out about the missing money. I remember that weekend like it was yesterday. There was that river we went tubing in and you got so sunburnt, you remember?”Shep asked.

Dena could never forget that weekend. It was one of the many times Shep asked her to marry him. It ended up being the last time. “Yeah, sure.”

“It was such a beautiful place. You remember those horses we took out for a ride in the woods. And mine was so slow. And it had a funny name. I can’t remember it.”

“Eeyore.”

“That’s right!” Shep smiled. “Perfect. Oh we laughed. It took forever to get back. Eeyore kept stopping and I’d have to get off and lead him, along. That was one stubborn horse.” He laughed.

Dena remembered. They got back so hot and sweaty and they showered together. Then they made love. It was one of those magical nights, the ones you only get a handful of in your life. Dena remembered every moment of it.

Shep was suddenly serious. “And that’s when we made her. Can you imagine? It makes me so happy to think that that was the time. It was special, and now there’s Robbie. I know I was angry and crazy and said and did some stupid things after you told me about her, but I’m so glad you did. I’m so glad you let me meet her. You let me be a part of her life. Dena, you don’t know what it means to me. I feel like I get another chance. That I have to do things right this time. Perfect. I want to be the best father I can be to her.”

Dena smiled but said nothing. It made her happy, but sad too, sad she had made bad choices, had not told him straight away. She suspected she’d always feel guilt about that. They drove listening to the radio, an oldies station. Dena wasn’t paying attention to the music really. She was thinking about that weekend. Shep asked her to marry him, he had a ring and everything that time. He’d asked her before, on a whim, disorganised as always. But that time he came prepared. He had a ring and that next morning, after the night when Robbie was conceived, he asked her to marry him.

On the porch of the cabin they rented, looking out on the passing river, he got down on his knee. He smiled up at her with his big, goofy smile. “Deenie, Deenie, my sweet, sweet Deeneie, will you marry me? Will you make me the happiest man in the world?”

Dena looked at the ring and then at Shep. She loved him, she knew that. It was never a question about love. But he was still such a boy. Happy-go-lucky Shep. He wasn’t ready for marriage yet. She was, but she’d wait for him to catch up. She could tell he was making his way, a couple more proposals and he’d be there and they’d get married, just like she always knew they would. But not then. Little did she know she wouldn’t have another chance. They left that cabin in the woods and then everything started.

The next week a client wanted to withdraw his money, he was retiring, buying a condo in Miami. But the money wasn’t there. And then a bit of searching found that none of the money was there. It was all gone. At first Dena was sure it was just a mix-up. Then it got serious. The investors called in the police. Terrence had his forensic accountants get to work and the PI was hired. Then Shep was arrested and everything was over.

She pulled her mind back to the present. It was over, all of that. She’d never be with Shep again. She needed someone she could trust, and that was not him. The betrayal was too deep. She struggled to think about those weeks and months just after the break-up. It nearly killed her. She felt like her world had come to an end. Yes, she maybe could forgive him, she was realising that more and more, but she could never let him back into her life in that way again. Never again, not after that. She could never get passed the why. Why had he taken that money when he knew that if she found out it would be over between them? For her it meant he hadn’t really loved her, at least not enough. He loved the money more. That’s what hurt the most. That was what she would never forgive.

She looked out at the straight, long highway ahead of her. Then she noticed something. Shep was singing. He turned up the radio. “Do you remember this song?”

Baby I love Your Way. Dena smiled. She doubted that he would remember that night. She doubted he knew how much the song meant to her. He was like that. She was the one who remembered things not him. She smiled thinking about it. Shep sang-

“Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, oh
Wanna be with you night and day, oh yeah”

“You remember I sang this song to you, the first night we met?” he said. “I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say to you. I was such a duffus. I hoped you understood. I never knew if you did. I’ve often wondered.” Shep looked out the window, at the passing cars. He turned back to Dena and she was looking at him.

“You know,” Dena said. “You used to pretend, I think. You used to pretend you were this big silly jock. But you weren’t. You were someone else all along weren’t you?”

“I never really knew who I was, Dena. You helped me a bit. You tried to show me. But prison did it. Prison showed me who I really was. You don’t have a choice there. You need to be honest with yourself if you intend to survive. I’m not saying there weren’t some very dark times in there, there were, but in a way it sorted me out. In an odd crazy way I’m thankful.”

Dena looked at him.

“I mean it Deenie. When everything is stripped away, you can see the truth. Just clear clear truth. I’m thankful for that.”

They drove for some distance in quiet. “I knew,” Dena said. “I knew you were singing to me that night.”

Shep turned from the window. “Good, I’m glad.”