January 2017

4 January 2017. Oh man!!!! Am I truly pregnant? That would be so wonderful. After all this time of hoping! But I’m too scared to tell Jonas, too afraid to take a test. I don’t want to jinx it!

For two and a half years now, we had been trying for a baby. And Jonas was growing as desperate as me. I could see it in his face, hear it in his voice. All his brothers had children. Even his youngest brother had a son, with another baby on the way.

Family gatherings at his parents’ home were a nightmare. When I greeted his mother, I knew her gaze was focused on my belly.

And meanwhile, all around us, her many grandchildren ran around the garden or jumped into the pool or nursed at her various daughter-in-laws’ breasts. While I sat with empty arms and a breaking heart.

Jonas tried his best to be extra kind, to make it easier for me. That’s the type of man Jonas is.

“Mama, Harmony took her Grade 7 class on an excursion to the museum yesterday. The children were so excited. You should ask Harmony about it.”

His mother leaned across to me. “Yes, tell me all about the excursion, Harmony.”

But I could read in her eyes that she wasn’t interested in other people’s children walking round some museum. Nor did she think I should be interested in other people’s children. No! I should be focusing on producing my own offspring! Mine and Jonas’s.

We always left those family gatherings early. The stress was just too much. And I could hear the other daughters-in-law whispering together even before Jonas started the car.

The effect on our intimacy was hurtful. We no longer made love. No, we just tried to make a baby. All the fun and laughter and delight in each other had been chased away from our bedroom. Desperation took its place.

“Maybe we must consult a specialist,” Jonas suggested. “You know, like at the fertility clinic? Maybe they can tell which one of us has a problem. And if there is any way we can fix it.”

“Just give it a little more time,” I pleaded.

The idea of seeing a specialist terrified me. What if it was my fault? What if there was no way to fix it? Would Jonas leave me and find someone else to conceive his children with?

Or what if it was Jonas’s fault? How would he bear to hear such a thing? It would crush him. No! It was too dreadful to contemplate. Far better to just keep hoping.

12 January 2017. Hope is gone! I’m not pregnant. I’m glad I didn’t tell Jonas and build his hopes up. At least I have spared him. He doesn’t have to face this disappointment along with me.

School starts Monday. Today I’m off to the shops to buy some new clothes. That will give me something else to think about and take my mind off the sadness. Oh, and my friend Nantze phoned to say the new Grade 7 teacher arrived. Christo Ndlovu, his name is. A MALE!!!!!!!!!!!! How will the poor man cope in a staff room full of females????


Tell us: Should Harmony have agreed to go with Jonas to the fertility clinic?