November 2017

1 November 2017. I’m glad I went to the clinic. They didn’t test me, but I started to understand a lot more about what is going on. Wish I could talk to Jonas and explain it to him.

The woman at the fertility clinic was lovely: kind and compassionate.

“You must understand, Harmony: statistically, 40% of the time, infertility is the woman’s problem and 40% it is the man’s problem. And the other 20%, both partners have some underlying issue. But we don’t use the word ‘fault’, Harmony. That’s not helpful. This is not about finding someone to blame. It’s about finding solutions.”

She wanted me to bring Jonas along too, before any testing got done.

“We need to work with you as a couple, Harmony. You need some counselling sessions together. Infertility can put a dreadful strain on a relationship. It can create stress that affects you in many other ways, that causes a breakdown in your connection to each other.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “That’s exactly what’s happened to us.”

8 November 2017. Jonas phoned at last. We’re going to meet for coffee Saturday morning. I hope I can hold it together. I hope I can talk to him calmly without bursting into tears.

I will ask him to forgive me for all the diary stuff. Even if I never had an affair with Christo, still I was disloyal, to be liking him so much. Will Jonas come back home if I beg him?

We sat at the restaurant like a pair of strangers: polite and formal and not smiling.

“I went to the fertility clinic …” I began.

But Jonas cut me off. “I don’t want to talk about babies. We should forget the whole fertility thing. I mean, if you told me you were pregnant now – I would spend the rest of my life wondering if it was my baby or Christo’s. This is not silly teenage jealousy, Harmony. This is serious. Hell, for all I know, maybe you took up with him because you think he’s more masculine, because you think you have a better chance of getting pregnant.”

This was terrible! Appalling! My stomach turned over.

“Jonas, how can I make you believe me? What I have with Christo is platonic. Not a hint of anything else. I swear it. On my life!”

Jonas didn’t look convinced. “Listen, I saw at the Head’s birthday how handsome he is, such a charmer. Half the teachers are in love with him. And then there’s all that stuff in your diary about how he makes you feel light-hearted and young …”

I felt hopeless then. What was the point of even trying? Jonas would never believe me. Our marriage was clearly over.

And that was the moment I felt a warm, strong hand on my shoulder.

“Harmony! Jonas! This is a nice surprise. Can I bring Neo over? I’ve been wanting you all to meet for ages.”

Christo! It was Christo – and he didn’t seem to sense the trauma hovering over the table where Jonas and I sat. Instead Christo beckoned across the restaurant to his partner. Neo came slowly towards us, smiling shyly.

Christo put his arm around his significant other. They were clearly a couple deeply in love.

“Neo, meet my comrade-in-arms, Harmony. And this is her husband, Jonas.”

Jonas and I stared up at Neo, in shock. Unable to speak.

 ***

Tell us: Will Jonas get past his jealousy now that he has met Neo?