Do you know why it is always the people you love the most that betray you? It’s because they are the only ones that can get close enough to you so that when your guard is down, they stick the knife right in. In every movie I’ve ever watched, every book I’ve read, and even in real life, I’ve seen and experience this betrayal. But I can never equate it to anything, any pain I’ve ever felt before.
My worst nightmare is turning into a hard-to-avoid reality and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. That’s the ish that really gets to me – not being able to have an influence in things that affects me. I can’t curse it back together and it seems, I can’t cry it back together either.
When mom and dad decided to go their separate ways and live separately, I understood – or maybe, I was forced to understand. But at the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I was secretly hoping that one day we would wake up and things would have instinctively shifted back to normal, and once again we would be a proper family. And this would all be a bad dream.
“Pack your bags Zinzi, we are going back to Port Elizabeth,” I always hoped to hear my mom say these words to me. Every morning when I wake up, I earnestly pray that she and dad would’ve worked out their mistakes and realised that we, me and Sim, need both our parents. “Today’s the day!” I always pray. But maybe I pray too softly that God can’t hear me.
Too late now.
Mom and dad are over – and contrary to my idiotic beliefs, it is not mom’s fault. Dad is the fucker who has caused this misery in our lives. He is the one who has allowed another woman to fill my mother’s shoes – and for that, he deserves to hang.
He is selfish. Now I understand why mom couldn’t come and didn’t want us to come, it’s because of him… She was protecting us from this! All this time I thought Dad was the righteous and innocent one only to find out that he is a double-faced wolf that deserves nothing less than castration.
The little changes in the house were a sign that I refused to see; it seemed that the house had undergone a cheap re-décor. The framed-photographs of Sim and I in our school uniforms, all of my mom’s photos and the other family photographs were no longer hanging in the dining room. And I’ve been wondering what happened. I justified it as maybe they reminded dad of days he would rather forget. I still made excuses for the ass when he was in the wrong. He was making space for his new woman.
Today I woke up a scent of a full breakfast invading my nostrils; I thought it was dad cooking, and again, like a retard, prayed that mom was home. Imagine my shock when I walked into the kitchen… there she was singing and cooking as if she owned the house, as if she owes banks for unpaid bonds for the house.
“You must be Zinziswa, right?” she said when she finally saw me.
She was over dressed to be a maid – no offence – and she was too young and manicured to be a cook. But my mind, even at that moment, said she’s a business associate. Denial.
“Yes.” I said. But I guess I was tongue-tied coz my voice wasn’t audible enough for her coz she soon said: “What’s that dear? Speak up, don’t mumble.”
My jaw dropped. But she was Dad’s guest (in my innocent, hopeful mind) and I wasn’t about to be rude to her.
“Yes, I am Zinzi,” I said as Dad walked in the kitchen. The look on his face said it all. I act dumb, I ain’t dumb. But just in case I was, Miss Jezebel made it clear for me who she was when she planted a wet kiss on my father’s mouth. I have never been more disgusted.
“What the fuck, Dad?” the words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. I wouldn’t have stopped them even if I wanted to. I was outraged.
I didn’t even bother to wait for a scolding or an explanation; I was back in my room faster than you can shout “Zinziswa!” I scrambled into my jeans and grabbed my purse. I ran, not to the beach coz I know he’d look there first, but I just ran.
After a while I called Siya and I went to New Brighton to chill. I just got home, only coz I have nowhere else to go. If I’m lucky, the bastard won’t be home tonight.
ZZ xxx