Ok, I just wrote and convincingly failed a term test. Yes, you heard me right; I failed a test. And there’s absolutely nothing I can do about that.

I mean what else is there to do, after studying with all your soul and heart, committed to understanding so that you can pass, only for it to turn out when the question paper lands in your hands, that you studied the wrong chapters? Absolutely nothing.

It felt like I was in the wrong room. That’s a surprise of a lifetime.

In such unpleasant circumstances you have no other choice but to try to do your best; write what your mind can think of, and get the hell out of that class feeling more confused than ever. And go sit in the centre of Company Gardens and just ball your eyes out.

How could it happen to me? I mean I am one who takes pride in how organised I am; how could such a blunder befall me of all people, especially when marks have to be sent to sponsors every end of term.

Not that my mom would be much understanding either. It’s their fault, my parents, you know! My misery I owe to them. At my age, with all the drama – I feel that it is way too much. And no-one ever stops to ask how Zinzi is doing.

“No Zinzi is a big girl; she can manage on her own. Look how bright she is smiling, isn’t she but a pretty princess with that smile on her face?” It’s what everybody’s eyes say.

Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not looking for any sympathy. But damn, I hate my parents for putting me through so much without ever preparing me for this.

And poor Sim, do you know what he asked me? He asked whether dad really loved us. I mean really. For a bloody dumb moment I wanted to tell him what a jerk our father is. But something in his eyes, something like hope to hear something contrary to reality, made me hug him instead.

But I also need to be hugged, to be reminded that this merry-go-round is going to halt one day, and all will get back to normal – OK, not normal in the true sense, bcoz it’s a matter of surety that as far as my parents are concerned, they’ve reached the cul-de-sac of their marriage.

But at least life should be normal as far as my academics are concerned. My parents should make this as easy as possible for me and Sim. Is that selfish?

ZZ xxx

Dish it: How is your performance at school or at work affected when you have “personal” issues?

The Diary of Zinzi Zwane