I have many questions in my mind and these questions revolve around the transforming times, the different range of life styles and personalities when we are in love. Do we believe that when someone gives you love that this is sufficient for us?
I watched a scene in the TV series The River. One of the characters asks the man who was pursuing her what he will be bring to the relationship. The man responds, “I am bringing love”. The woman says, “You must be joking, is love going to pay for my bills?”
That statement stuck with me and I asked myself what is wrong with bringing only love to the table? What if it is the only thing you are able to afford? So, in 2020, is love alone enough?
I asked myself, do I give discounts in relationships? By discounts I am referring to the fact that there would be some things I overlook about my person or don’t apply extensive or critical judgement to. For example the kind of personality my person has and how that will impact our relationship. The reason I question myself is because my sister is displeased that I am dating someone and I didn’t even ask them what do they do for living or the kind of career they are pursuing. For me, at that time, I did not feel like interrogating them because I felt it was still new and they should feel comfortable to share about their life without me exerting pressure on them.
With displeasure towards me she argued that you should not date someone who is not financially stable and who is not pursuing a career. She believes that when you are romantically involved with someone they must be able to provide for you. She argued that your person must be able to buy you airtime, gifts, transport money and give you an allowance. In arguing this she believes that when someone supports you financially that is synonymous with showing courtesy and effort. She says when you have a relationship like this, even when you break up, you do not just hold on to the fact that you were only given love, you have things you can point out that you have gained in the relationship that goes beyond just love. According to my sister love is not enough; it must supported by finances and material benefits.
On the other side, never have I been in a relationship and expected the provision of materialistic things. My argument is that should I allow you to give me materialistic things my love would decrease and I would start to form an attachment with what you give me more than what your heart has to offer.
I hold the belief that love should not come at a cost because as a person I value other things more than money or materials to feel that I am loved or appreciated. If you give me love, time and attention then I get fulfilled.
In saying this I am not dismissing my big sister’s arguments that love must be reimbursed. I believe in her own right she may be correct because the language of love is translated differently by each of us. Her argument was brought up again when we were in my cousin’s party and she was retelling to them that I am dating, and I am not yet exploring the career objectives of the guy. The ladies responded saying that that the girl should do not date someone who does not have a job. One even warned not to allow yourself to be like a ‘service provider’, where you just settle to give love alone.
This sparked a thought and conversation in my heard. So has it become a norm for people to be in relationship and make money the basis of their relationship? What crossed my mind was the blesser/blesse relationships. Could this be the motivation? That people go for partners who supplement their lives with money in exchange for love?
For me, it is then only fair in a relationship that as a couple you both financially contribute in each other’s lives and so it should never feel like arrangement where one person does all the supplying and provisions while the other freely benefits.
Relationships mean a lot of different things for different people but in my own experience I have learnt that relationships should be a safe space where dreams and ideals are actualised. It should never be a space that leads to stagnation and a place where a person gets stuck or does minimal thinking about the future. Even though I do not believe in being reimbursed with materialistic things in love, I still feel strongly that your partner should never hide their dreams or vision with you.
Read about one writer’s experience of being addicted to love here
Tell us: Do you think love alone in a relationship is enough?