When I was younger I had a specific image in my head of what I wanted my future boyfriend or husband to look like. I wanted him to be tall, medium built, active and sporty, and fun to be around.

Now that I’m older I realised the things I wanted as a teenager were very superficial, in some sense. I was only concerned about the outward appearance and not so much the inside and what emotional support he could give, or what intellect the guy would possess.

Right now, I have a wonderful boyfriend and we are in a happy relationship. He spoils me and I like to think that I do the same. He is my rock and I know that I can depend on him, always. Funny enough, he is tall, medium built, and pretty active, and I do feel like he is fun to be around. But he is so much more, and that is what I didn’t get as a teenager.

Butterflies in your stomach?

Remember that feeling people would always talk about, that you will feel butterflies in your stomach when you meet your person? I’ll be the first to admit that I felt a few butterflies yes, but I feel like butterflies are nerves and being nervous doesn’t exactly make me feel like myself. The feeling after the initial butterflies was that I felt more comfortable than anything else. I was so comfortable that I was shocked with myself. And to be honest being comfortable with someone is the best feeling in the world because you can relax and be yourself whenever you are around this person. You can laugh, cry and be silly; you can just be you.

Think – Who am I?

This is such an important question to ask yourself before you put yourself out there. It’s important to realise that you have to deal with your own personal issues before you jump into a relationship. You may think that you are ready for a relationship, but once you are in it you see your own insecurities, your own flawed way of thinking. And this in essence is not fair towards your partner because you project your issues onto them. Be content with yourself first – deal with your insecurities before taking the plunge into the deep end.

Think – What do I want from a relationship?

The truth is you may spend quite some time, many years in fact, looking for the man who suits you best. For years I was looking for someone who didn’t entirely exist, I was looking for this one specific image of someone who doesn’t exist.

I was looking in all the wrong places too. I settled for some guys who were totally not my type. Make sure that you know what you want and be realistic about it! Don’t be thinking, oh I want a rich man, who earns so much money per month. That is very surface and you will most probably get hurt in the end.

Is he kind, respectful? Does he treat your friends and family well? When you guys go out in public, how does he treat the cashier or the waiter?

Also, on the other side of the spectrum do not sell yourself short. I know that I wanted a man with a good job and who would be able to support not only himself but a potential partner or family in future. For some this may be a little too forward thinking, but that’s just how my brain works. I also wanted a man who is motivated and who knew what he wanted from life. All these attributes are something that I find to be a crucial in a partner.

Realities of relationships

• Disagreements will happen – I adore my boyfriend but let me be honest, we have had a fight or two, and that is quite normal. These fights notwithstanding, I can’t imagine my life without him. There will always be disagreements, but how you deal with it is important. You and your partner have to find out what works for you as a couple. Like, do you guys prefer to talk it out immediately or do you need some space to think about it?
• You will get on each other’s nerves now and then – I like things to be a certain way and when my boyfriend doesn’t do it that way, I get a little annoyed. However, sometimes I get on his nerves, and he’ll let me know and explain why.
• We are not perfect – no one is perfect; we all make mistakes and what we learn from it is important.
• Communication is so important – I cannot stress this enough: communicate! Be open and transparent with your partner. It can avoid so many unnecessary disagreements or fights.

Final thoughts

Don’t rush the dating process. It’s a process for a reason. Learn from your mistakes and know your worth as a woman. Be realistic about your future partner, but never settle. Take time to know yourself as well as your partner if you want your relationship to last.

Take care,

Amber

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