Every day I log onto social media and every day there’s this debate about what “Indoda must do” and how “Indoda must act”. Sometimes it’s a debate – a back and forth. Other times it’s full on women dictating what a man’s role is or what a ‘real’ man does. It’s posts like:

Indoda must give me money for nails.

Indoda must have a clean shaven head (chiskop).

Indoda must not wear earrings.

Some women expect money from men because they are convinced that ‘indoda’ must provide; it is his role. Some argue that a man shouldn’t be “enjoying sex from a woman while he does not know what she cleans herself with”, implying that the man should buy her sanitary products. Nor should he expect a text when he doesn’t buy her data.

I cringe every time I see posts like these. I want to ask the women who write these posts questions like: why should a man have to pay for being attracted to you; as if you aren’t to him?

Why should a man have to buy you sanitary products for enjoying sex with you; like you don’t with him? Are you going to buy him his sanitary products?”

But I know that, if I did post those questions, I would be dragged. I would be called a ‘broke boy’, ‘stingy’ and ‘not a real man’.

There is an underlying assumption from these women who post on social media that should you oppose their views, you are defending yourself, because you do not do these things that in their eyes make a man a ‘real man’.

I, for one, am not against someone having personal preferences and habits in a relationship. At the end of the day, that is who they are and how they want to be treated – that is their love language. What I do not appreciate is being referred to as ‘not a real man’ because I hold different views to them.

I do believe a man must provide for his family. But a relationship should be about two grown people who should take responsibility for themselves. Men pay for what they need, and women buy what they need too. Women need to pay for their sanitary products and pay for their own cellphone and data plans.

No man should feel obligated to pay a woman’s utilities! Obviously I believe no man should or would watch the woman that he loves suffer if he could help. (And the other way around too – women can help their partners if they are in a position to do so.) But ultimately, as an adult, you are your own responsibility. And – none of these views make me less of a man, or any more of a man out there – but if this is what you require, then I’m just not the man you want.

I believe in spoiling my partner, buying gifts, going on cute dates, nights out and nights in – which have been very popular due to lockdown restrictions! But being in a relationship with her doesn’t mean I treat her like my daughter – that I have to give her an allowance, buy her data and her sanitary products.

Some men think that they can buy women with gifts and money – that if they do that, then they are ‘owed’ sex. Perhaps this is why some women then expect to be ‘bought’? I believe this is very unhealthy, and is not a good foundation for a happy loving relationship.

I’m blessed enough to be with someone who is on the same wavelength as me. This is why I know for a fact there are women who do not hold these views.

No-one can tell others what ‘real men’ are. If people believe that money is the way to show love, that is their choice. But it doesn’t have to be mine.


Tell us: What is your view on… ‘Indoda Must’?