I heard my mother’s voice as a pair of hands shook me awake.

“Wake up and eat sisi,” she said.

I opened my eyes and a ray of blinding light caused me to look away from the window. My mother held me up and embraced me. My hair was a mess, all my lipstick had gone and my eyes were painful. A quick glance at the clock on my wall showed me that it was half-past two in the afternoon. I had missed my inauguration.

As the events of this morning came crashing back, I could not hold back the tears that overcame me. I began to sob in her arms as my mother shushed me and gently patted my back. I gathered myself and took the food she had placed on the table next to me.

“Eat my child,” she said. “I will make you a cup of Rooibos to calm you down.”

She closed the door behind her and left. Next to the white plate that had my food was the envelope Thabo had given me before I passed out. It had my name printed on the outside in bold red letters, with little hearts with angel wings around it. I tore it open and found a gently folded piece of paper inside.

The words in it sliced both my heart and soul at the same time. In his beautiful, untidy handwriting Menzi had written:

My dear Lulu,

I want you to know that it was not your fault and that I loved you with all my heart. I tried to love you as best as I could. But I could not escape from who I really am. My ghosts had broken free when Thabo burst into my room without knocking and found Sizwe and I kissing. I had forgotten to lock the door.

Sizwe was shirtless and had his legs were between my waist. Thabo said he was going to tell father as soon as he returned from work on Friday. I knew I could not do it. You know what they do to people like me here. You saw them put tires around that boy Gabriel when the pastor said he was possessed by demons and evil spirits. I am gay and Boschfontein has no place for me in it. I hope you forgive me for the pain I have caused you.

I will end my life on my own terms before they slaughter me for being human. It makes me wonder why God made us if he doesn’t love us.

I stood up and pressed hard on the door. My mother came running, banging for me to open the door. I pushed the headboard across the door frame and heard her run outside and shouting, “Inyandzaleyo! Sitani bo, please help!”

I refused to let that boy think he could leave me alone in this evil world. He was mine and I was his, in this life and the next!

I opened my side bed drawer and took out all the cleaning detergents I could find. I poured all my pills into the Jik and the Jeyes fluid. I closed the bottle, shook and gulped it all down.

It burned my throat and tasted vile. But it also tasted like peace, like tranquility.

I grabbed my notebook and quickly scribbled this that you are reading.

Now my stomach is rumbling, and thick bubbles have formed around my mouth. I do not have long. When you read this, tell them that their fear of what they do not know killed me. Tell them that they killed Menzi and me.

***

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