I lived for revenge. I could not wait to be older so that I would start doing an investigation on who killed my mother. I blamed the nurses who were present during the period when my mother was giving birth and passed away with her child, who would have been three years younger than I am. I could not stop thinking that if she was present in my life then things would have been different.
I felt that I needed her during that time. I felt that my father did not care enough. I wanted to kill all the people in the hospital who were there while she felt pains to death. I wanted them to feel the pain that I was feeling, the pain of growing up without a mother. I watched too many action movies and always imagined myself being skilled and able to kill without leaving a trace.
In my mind, it was all done. I could see the people on my “die list” slowly dying because of me. I could see myself being the kind of girl who does not speak much, always armed; who is organised and ready to kill, killing without sympathy, enjoying the sound of hearing people who have hurt me crying to death, helpless.
I was so bitter and pain was the only feeling I thought a person deserved to feel. Nothing motivated me more than my desire to kill. It kept me moving for a while, up to the point where I realised that this assignment was way too big and serious for an amateur like I was. This was my breakdown period, after realising that a lot of money, resources and education was required, I could not live with myself. I wanted to die because my purpose of living seemed to have just disappeared in my face.
I saw no need to continue. I felt like I had the world’s hardest problems, I felt that it was a rat against a cat. I just wanted to feel normal like other children. I wanted to play without being scared that I might get killed by a stranger. I was jumpy, always looking over my shoulder to see if there was no one watching me and planning to attack me.
As a teenager, I felt that maybe my birth was an accident. But now I understand that my birth was not an accident. I am the image of God, created in his likeliness: “God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27.
I know now that revenge is not worth it, it is a poison which slowly kills a person.
Tell us: Have you ever thought about taking revenge on someone?