I lived a happy life with Tessa and Jason; they were good parents to me. I went to South Africa every chance I got. Each visit was painful. I tried to forget it but I couldn’t; I couldn’t forget my father. Three years later Tessa got pregnant. I was happy that I was going to have a baby sister or brother. Maybe the baby would make me forget or at least that’s what I told myself.

I went to church thinking that I would forget what happened but I couldn’t. I started singing at church, doing worship songs only. I sang with Kirk Franklin and we because close; he was supportive and understood my pain too. Every other Saturday I went to South Africa to visit my grandmother.

A man came to my granny’s house to talk to me about joining his choir. He said he liked the way I worshiped on the song I did with Kirk Franklin. I told him I would think about it. I told my grandmother and she said I should give it a chance. I called my parents to let them know about the choir, they were happy for me. I called the man to let him know that I was accepting the offer.

I met with him, Mthunzi Namba, the following day and got to meet other members of the choir, Joyous Celebration. I went back to New York on Sunday because I had to go to school. I told Kirk about the deal and he said it was fine, I could join them. Three months later I recorded with Joyous Celebration. I sang my mother’s favourite song, The Power.

Singing that song made me cry every time we rehearsed. Nobody knew why, they thought because it was a worship song. I would remember my mother’s face appearing to me. Pastor Namba came to my house after shooting the live DVD for Joyous to talk to me.

“When you sang that song I saw you crying for help,” he said, “I saw pain inside you.”

“I’m not crying for help, I’m just crying,” I said.

“Okay, if you say so,” he said and that was the end of the talk.

I met a friend, Tebogo, a good guy. I loved hanging out with him whenever I was in South Africa. And just when things were going right for me, something bad happened. Tessa’s pregnancy went wrong. She had to give birth to a baby girl at seven months. She died after giving birth.

When I heard the news I felt like the world was crashing in on me. I couldn’t believe that my adoptive mother was dead. And the anger came back. I went to my room and started writing a poem. My grandmother kept coming to my room to see if was okay. She would knock and knock but I wouldn’t answer. She called Jason and told him about me. She even called pastor Namba.

Pastor Namba came to my house with a friend, Lindeleni Mkhize. They found me in my room writing a poem.

“Please read it for us,” Pastor Namba said.

I took a deep breath and started reading.

“Tears, Tears, Tears!
My heart is heavy; it is poisoned by anger of being who I am
The sun shines everyday but me it brings sorrow
It brings this shame and disappointment
My tears flow like a peaceful river
They flow unconditionally with no temptation
But to whom can I cry to
Where shall I hide from this cold and un-peaceful place?
Today I accept the agony of my life
I accept these lines of latitude that separate each individual
According to God’s plan from their ways of dreaming
I look in the mirror form a distance
I see the day that I will arise
The day I will smile
The day tears will no longer be flowing with anger and pain
And that day will be the day I confront my father.”

“My boy, why did you write all those things? Why do you want to confront your father?” Pastor Namba asked. I told them about what happened in the past. I told them that the anger I have will go away when I see my mother again.
“I want to see my mother next to me again. I want to hear her saying she loves me,” I said.

“My boy, losing a loved one is very painful,” Lindelani said. “But we have to move on. The bible says in Roman’s 8: 10 – 11, if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the spirit of him who raise Jesus from the dead is living in you he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his spirit.”

“I know that, but I can’t do this,” I said getting up. “Please go, I want to be alone,” I said and they left.

The next day I went back to New York and Jason came to fetch me from the airport. He was hurting when he saw me. When I got home and saw my baby sister, I started thinking that she will never know her other. She will never feel her warmth, her care and love. At least I got the chance to see my mother, to feel her warmth, know her love and care. But she’ll only know her pictures.

My friends came over and we hung out for a while, talking about life and how things just come and go. Jason came and asked to talk to me. My friends left and I was talking to Jason.

“My son,” he started, “now that Tessa is gone I know tht you may want to leave. I just want to tell you that no matter what I will always love you as my child and I will take care of you. You and Natasha are all I have,”

“Dad, I am not going anywhere. You were there for me when my mother died and I’ll be here for you.”

After we buried Tessa I continued living with Jason and going to school. Jason became a fther and mother to Natasha and I. The following year I decided to visit my grandma. I went with Natasha. I told Tebogo I was in town and he invited me to his church.

The following day my grandmother told me she had a dream about me, I was arguing with an adult.

“Koko, I am in a hurry, I’ll see when I come back from the SABC studios,” I said rushing.

I had an interview at YOTV and Karabo asked me about my mother.

“Karabo, my mother died while I was still in Grade 6. I miss her so much. I just wish I could bring her back to life. Losing her so painful, she was my joy,” I answered.

“Where is your father?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I wish that I could just meet him and tell him what he deserves. He is the reason my mother is dead,” I said.

“What do you mean when you say he’s the reason your mother is dead?” she asked.

“I’m not going to dwell on it much,” I said rushing out.

At home, my grandmother lectured me about what I had said. Even Pastor Namba called and we talked about the interview. I still was adamant of what I had said.

***

Tell us what you think: Will Kevin ever forgive his dad?