Mme Maggie was moving out today, her husband had finally bought a house and wanted to settle down with his wife. I was so happy. I was happy that she was leaving, finally! That woman brought out the worst in me. What was worth rejoicing about was Mama’s promotion. She had barely worked for three months, but already she was promoted to the Manager. I was so happy. She also got a raise in her salary and at the end of October, she gave me a quarter of her salary. It was so much money that I could change my whole wardrobe and I did. I left some of it to buy Lerato’s baby some clothes. I had to be a great aunt.

Three days into November, I was alarmed when Lerato screamed “TT…!” mostly because I had no idea what had broken! I had to call the ambulance immediately because we were alone in her house; her parents were out. I also called Molutsi and Mama. The baby was on its way out.

I was so afraid when she said she wanted me to be there with her. She was screaming and I imagined her pain. While I looked, the baby just swung out and into the doctor’s hands and I almost fainted. I decided in that moment that I would never allow myself to go through childbirth. It was horrifying.

Later Molutsi came in and held his baby. He smiled because he was happy that the baby was a boy. I have to admit that I got jealous, but I shouldn’t have, because it was just a baby. The nurse came in and handed Lerato the baby’s birth certificate.

“A name?” I asked.

“We have already decided that if it was a boy we would name him Kgosi,” she smiled.

“Yes, my boy! I told you. I knew it would be a boy!” Molutsi smiled.

“I was so sure it would be a girl,” Lerato said.

“I told you that time that he was kicking. I told you!” Molutsi laughed.

Lerato’s parents came in. They were pleased to see that their daughter was well. I felt so out of place because I knew nothing about what they were talking about. I felt irrelevant in those surroundings. All they cared about was ‘it’. I felt jealous because Lerato’s father was laughing with Molutsi and it felt as though he was part of their family. As if he had paid lobola. As if he was already an in-law.

***

Baba was useless! He sat on the couch switching through the channels. He was always drunk even though he sat there alone. I later discovered about him having a boy he sent to the tavern. He was drowning in this unfruitful habit. Sick as he was, I doubted that he would ever come to his senses. I hated him so much. My thoughts always came back to that other night.

November was such an unfortunate month for me; I hated everything about this month. From the fact that the baby was here, to the part when my time had come again. Honestly, I was getting tired of all I had to deal with. This baby being here was such a burden to me. It gave me no time with Molutsi. Soon enough all he talked about was ‘it’ and it angered me so much. Have you ever craved someone, not sexually, but just the sound of their voice and the warmth of their embrace? With Molutsi that’s all I ever felt when he was not with me.

He always spoke of one thing alone. “So, I am happy that my mother has agreed to stay with Kgosi. I just need a source of income. I’m rethinking about going to varsity. I need a job…”

“HELL NO!” I interrupted him. “You need an education. How could you be thinking of getting a job? Mo, please don’t compromise your plans because of this.”

He looked at me as though I was some crazy girl. I could tell by his face that he thought I was over-exaggerating the whole thing. But no! I wasn’t.

“Chill, Thando. I’m not going to compromise. I will have a part time job. I need to take care of my baby. If I don’t, who will?” he asked.

“Don’t abandon your education because of this. It’s not worth it!” I snapped angrily.

“I won’t. I just… I was so stressed about this baby, but now it’s like the best thing that ever happened in my life. It’s given me responsibility… something I was always afraid of having. But now that I have… I feel like a man,” he said. His words cut through me, causing me excruciating pain.

“What about me?” I fussed. “Aren’t I the best thing that ever happened to you? Isn’t that what you said I was before the baby?”

He suddenly turned cold. “Thando, please don’t say that, you know that I love you…”

“YOU love the baby more!” I screamed. “I no longer get attention from you. When we’re together, I feel as if I’m watching “16 and pregnant”! All you talk about is Lerato and that stupid baby!”

He looked at me clearly shocked. “I’m sorry, Thando. I know you hate this but the least you can do is be supportive,” he said.

I looked at him and I couldn’t bear to sit there. Instead I stood up. I ran.

It sucks when the person who brings you so much joy when you’re sad is the cause of the pain that you feel. It’s sad that everyone, including my Molutsi, thinks I’m selfish and self-centred. How can I have so much hate for an innocent baby? It’s not his fault that he was born at this time.

I couldn’t believe that Molutsi was now a father. I couldn’t believe that someone gave him a child before I could. Not that I wanted to be the pregnant one, but I was so convinced that I would be the mother of all his children. Call me crazy, but I have these goals. Life term goals. I thought Molutsi and I were like a forever thing… I guess I was wrong… at least I had hoped and wished on a shooting star at 11:11.

After that night, Molutsi and I didn’t even see each other for the rest of the month. I saw him pushing a pram in the park with Lerato by his side as they laughed and chattered away. I didn’t bother walking up there and saying anything; instead I bled from within.

Even after that, Molutsi didn’t bother to call me or send me a text. He was busy playing ‘Happy Families’ with Lerato and the baby. I remembered how he promised me the heavens and the earth, the moon and the stars… Who was I fooling? It was time to face it. I was no longer his muse.

As I predicted, he no longer wanted a girl, he wanted a woman. Lerato became a woman after she carried the baby and gave birth. She gave him a family. All I could give him was late nights, lots of them.

***

Tell us what you think: Do you automatically become a woman after you have had a baby?