I could not sleep that night, the night of the arrival of the twins. I could not stop thinking about Buhle, the boy of my dreams. I had spent just few hours with the twins but I could tell the difference between them while everyone else could not. It’s just that Buhle made me feel so strong yet he made me feel so weak at the same time. Whenever I saw him I felt like everything in the world is okay yet at the same time I felt like I’m too weak to have control of myself. That is how I knew who Buhle was and who Kuhle was although they both looked exactly the same. I fell asleep when the night was aproaching the morning.
I woke up when the sun was out. I quickly woke up to clean the house. I usually woke up before the sun comes out. I was told as a girl I should not be lazy so I was active. While I was cleaning the house everybody was out under the tree playing cards. There were boys from the neighbourhood and the twins were also there. They sounded like they were having a lot of fun. Buhle was shouting, I could hear him from inside talking outside – although he seemed so shy and quiet around me, he sounded so free out there.
After I was done cleaning the house I ate and I went to them under the tree. After my arrival over there I never heard Buhle’s voice again, it seemed like I took all his freedom and I was not okay with that. I pretended I did not even notice. They continued playing and I watched them, such crazy stories they told. It felt as if I was in heaven. With Buhle there it felt like I was in double heaven. Hunger spoke and they disappeared one by one.
Only Buhle and I remained under that tree. He kept quiet and I kept quiet, I knew he wanted to say something I waited for him to say it. With him around I really felt no hunger although time was now gone after I last ate. “So can you play cards?” he asked me.
“Yes I can.”
“Okay lets play, which game do you want to play?” He mixed those words with a smile. When he smiled it seemed as if heaven opened, I could see right through him. There was no other place he would rather be except being there with me.
“Any game you want,” I smiled too.
“Casino?” he asked.
“Bring it on, boy.” At that moment if felt like I knew him all my life, and he also was now talking as if he had known me long. As we were playing he kept asking me questions.
“So won’t your boyfriend miss you while you are here?”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.”
He seemed surprised. “It’s impossible for a beautiful girl like you not to have a boyfriend.”
I could not help it, I blushed. “Come on Buhle I’m not beautiful, I’m just an ordinary girl.”
My eyes were now running away from his, he made me feel nervous by telling me I’m beautiful, but to be honest it’s what I needed to hear from him. I was told so many times before that I’m beautiful by so many people but I only believed it when he said it.
“I have never seen anyone so beautiful in my whole entire life and I doubt I ever will.” I could sense that those words came from the bottom of his heart, I knew he meant them. I stopped playing and I stared at him and he stared at me back, no one said a word we just stared at each other. After a minute I realised that what was happening there was wrong and I left him there I went in the house, I felt like I was mad at myself for being in love with a boy who is my aunt’s boyfriend’s son. I was supposed to treat him like a brother.
After five minutes I missed him so much and I started regretting leaving him there, I went out – I was going to go back to him but he was not there anymore. My heart started aching as if it was punishing me for trying to fight what I was feeling. I hated myself for fighting it, for spoiling that magical moment I had with him, yes it felt like double heaven. I knew I was in trouble, I knew I had to find a way to stop. I went in the toilet and I cried, cried, cried and cried. I was not crying because I was in love with someone I was not suppose to be in love with, I was crying because I missed him and I wanted him in front of me again. I did not understand love, I wished I could talk to it, ask it to make me stop loving him, ask it to disappear in my heart and come back with another face, a face that would have no problems. Although what I felt for him felt so amazing, so great but I knew it would end badly if I let it happen. My heart wanted him near. Of that I had so much fear. His name was in each drop of a tear.