She finally got the point and left me alone. I had to practice math, but how could I? How do I focus on my school work if I have a burden as heavy to carry?

I just couldn’t concentrate. My mind was all over the place, the only thing I did was wet my book with tears. My sight became so blurry that I gave up practicing.

“Supper’s ready,” she called out from the kitchen. The aroma of roasted chicken and the steam of nicely burnt pap made my tummy rumble. But I had no appetite, even though I was hungry.

“I’m not hungry!” I replied and tucked myself in bed and slept.

I cried myself to sleep again. I found comfort in my tears and my tears only.

“No! Stop! Please stop!” I screamed in the middle of the night; with my body all wet and my eyes swollen from all the night’s crying. The words ‘we doubt she’ll…’ kept echoing in my head, they haunted me. I couldn’t sleep.

“Shh, it was just a bad dream,” she woke up and patted me.

I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was scared that the nightmare would come back. I stayed up the whole night until morning.

*****

“Hurry up you two or you’ll be late!” Tinyiko’s George said leaving for work. “Mihloti, I’ll go visit your mom today, do you want to come along?”

“No,” how could he ask such a thing? Does he think seeing her like that makes me happy? I asked myself. It kills me.

“See you later,” he said walking out.

“Bye George,” Tinyiko replied. “Are you having troubles sleeping?” she asked me with a concerned tone.

“Sorry I kept you up all night, but that doesn’t mean I have to explain myself to you,” I lashed out, grabbing my bag to leave for school.

“Oh, Mihloti, when will this ever end? Why can’t we live like two civilised siblings? Arg man, I’m trying here, meet me halfway!” she said walking her own way.

“The only thing I’ll do as your sibling is reconcile you with your ancestors,” I mumbled.

I walked slowly, thinking about the pain she was going through and how useless I felt knowing there was nothing I could do to help.

“Class, today’s the due date for your assignment,” Ms Vilakazi, our English teacher said. Crap! It slipped my mind, I completely forgot. I should’ve done it ages ago but insisted on doing in yesterday, but I forgot.

“Your assignment please,” she said looking at me with expecting eyes.

“I forgot it at home,” I gave her a typical excuse.

“It’s either you hand in the assignment or get out of my class. I gave you enough time to do it,” she said putting on a serious face.

I gathered my stationery and stood up, “With pleasure,” I said rudely walking out.

The class was so stunned. ‘Mihloti, the saint’ was being rude. That stupid assignment of hers was the last thing on my mind.

I went and camped behind the cars; under a tree where Mbhoni and I sit during break. I was yawning so much that I ended up sleeping there.

“No! Stop!” I suddenly woke up from the same nightmare, the grounds were empty, “Math!” I jumped, picking up my bag and running to class.

“Sorry, I’m late,” I apologised between breaths.

“Sorry my foot!” he replied handing me a test paper. “You have exactly twenty minutes to finish this test,” I walked up to my chair and found Vutlhari sitting comfortably.

“Move, will you?” I said with a commanding tone.

“First come, first serve,” is what he replied.

“But… sir…”

“Get another chair Mihloti,”

I walked to a chair right at the back of the class and gave the question paper a stare.

“Geez!” I banged on the table so hard that the whole class stared at me, “Sorry,” I said going back to my ‘foreign written’ paper. My brain went completely blank. The only thing I wrote was my name and grade, and just slept.

“Wake up!” he said banging on my table and giving me a fright. “Where are the answers?” he asked looking at my blank page.

I kept quiet and left for break. “You know, Sihle is becoming a pain in my butt these days,” Mbhoni complained as we sat down.

“How are your boyfriend’s problems any of my concern?” I asked rudely, I’ve got my own big problems, but she’s going on about her petty stupid issues, I thought bitterly and annoyed.

“What’s your problem Mihloti? Is it me or your own issues?” she asked shocked by my response.

“Sorry, it’s mom. It’s just this whole thing is stressing me,” I calmed down.

“Oh sorry, I forgot to ask, how did you go?”

I couldn’t answer her, my eyes filled with tears at that instant.

“Don’t cry, everything will be alright,” she held me against her chest. That was a lie, nothing would be alright. If she saw her, she wouldn’t have said that. She was only saying it for the sake of. “Be grateful she’s still alive”, she added.

“It would be better if she was dead,” I said heartlessly.

If she was dead, she wouldn’t have to suffer this much. If she was dead she would visit me in my dreams and maybe she’d smile, I thought still tearing.

***

Telll us: Do you agree with Mihloti?