“You’re strong, Mihloti,” Billy’s words, the therapist, echoed in my head.

A strong person would walk through this door and hold mother’s hand, I reminded myself. I did as my head instructed, walked through and held her hand. It felt so different, it felt so much powerless. I didn’t know what to say, “This bed has eaten you alive,” I joked hiding the hurt I felt seeing her like that.

“Ha ha, but I’m still here; strong,” she assured me. She knew she wasn’t strong but said it to make me strong. “I’m not going anywhere my baby,”

I felt a bit of relief in my soul.

“I love you, mom”, I said squeezing her hand.

“I love you too Hloti,” she said lighting a flame in my heart. “You should go now, I’ll see you someday,” she said weakly.

I walked out and stared at Billy’s counselling room. I had felt so safe in there. It was easy talking to her; she listened to me; attentively. I didn’t regret speaking to her. She also said I could talk to her when I wanted so I took her up on her offer.

“I know I’m coming back for the second time but I have to talk to you,” I said sitting.

“It’s OK. I’m all ears,”

“It’s just that…” I paused and stood up, “I don’t know what I was thinking coming here. Sorry for wasting your time,” I turned to leave.

“Tell me about your sister,” she stopped me from walking out.

“First of all, she’s not my sister. I just hate that girl,” I spat it out, sitting back down.

“Why?”

“Because she has everything I don’t have. What pisses me off is that George has always been there for her but not for me,” I confessed.

“Why don’t you just call him dad?” she kept throwing questions at me.

“He’s not my dad!” I snapped, “he’s never fathered me. Now he shows up and thinks I’ll play happy family with him,”

“Why won’t you give him a chance, Mihloti?”

“Because he’ll walk away again and I’ll be left fatherless again,”

“I understand,” she said, “again, consider keeping a diary,”

“Yeah,” I stood up and headed home. Talking to her did me good, it took off the burden I’d been carrying all alone. As for seeing mom, it was good because I got to tell her how much I loved her and seeing her alive was good enough at the moment. Just knowing she’d be getting treatment and get better was to cut off my crying habit.

I got home and took out an A6 book and started writing about everything that had happened ever since mom got sick and how it made me feel. It had been hours that I sat and wrote so my back was paining; I had to get fresh air and rest.

I decided to take a walk on my way and I bumped into Ntiyiso.

“Hey,”

“Hi,” I responded sounding like my old self.

“It’s been quite a while since we spoke. You good?”

“I’m hanging in there,”

We chatted for a while, catching up. When he asked if I had made my heart and mind up, I couldn’t answer. How could I tell him my heart was dead? He’d think I was insane.

“I gotta go,” I escaped.

“But…” he called after me but I was long gone.

When I got home I found Tinyiko with my diary in her hands. I had forgotten to hide it when I left, by now she had read everything. Things she shouldn’t have read. The things about her in that book were horrible.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I snapped grabbing my book angrily. “You had no right to go through my book,”

She seemed censored. She said nothing till she came back to earth.

“You tried to kill me? Why?”

“Because I’ll never have a relationship with him if you’re still alive,”

“I don’t believe you! I know you hate me… But to kill me?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,”

“I’m out of this house,” she said going to pack her bags. Just then, George entered the door. “I’m leaving dad. I can’t live here. She’ll kill me,” she sounded crazy.

He stared at her like a lunatic.

“Don’t be ridiculous, she won’t hurt a fly,” he defended me.

“Read this,” she grabbed my book, paged it and handed it to him.

”The only way she’ll walk out of here is in a body bag,” he read it out loud. “I didn’t know we weren’t welcome here,” he said stupidly.

“Did I invite y’all? No!” I answered, “of course y’all aren’t welcome,” I said, it was about time he heard a piece of my mind.

“We’ll leave,” he threatened.

“Not that I care. You two came here to ruin my life, nothing more. Since you arrived here, you’ve never even thought of spending quality time with me”

“Because I’m always busy…”

“When it concerns me, yes. But if it’s her you make time,”

“Mihlo…”

“Uit! Out!” I shouted opening the door wide open. “Till we meet again,” Good riddance! I breathed a sigh of freedom and shut the door close.

I have accepted that I might be fatherless my whole life. Thinking we’d bond when he was here was stupid of me. He’ll never love me as much as he loves her, she’ll always be priority and not the other way around.

Keeping a diary has helped me a great deal. Mom’s getting better, so I have all the reason to pick up all the broken pieces and put them together. First I have to regain my marks. Abandoning her through her journey of her sickness was very selfish of me. She had to go through open heart surgery without me; her only family. But one thing came out of this saga, George was there for her for the first time.

Can’t w8t 2 c u at skul 2mrw. So missd u

Mbhoni whatsapped me. My face lit up that instant.

missd u 2

I replied looking forward to go to school.

“And I guess you’ve seen your half past dead mother,” Khombo welcomed me to class.

“I’ve seen mother, but she’s not ‘half pat dead’. I assume you had to exaggerate about her condition to make me scared,” I replied, smiling.

“Precisely. I just went to see her to torture you…”

“Mission failed,” I told her, sitting down.

“So did you play dead when you saw her? Like the other day? The freezing and all?” Mbhoni asked.

That’s what I’ll call it; I play dead when I’m over stressed.

“Actually, no…” I gave her the short version of the story.

Mom’s getting discharged tomorrow and I can’t wait to have her in the house. It’ll take time before she’s her old self, but just having her back will be great.

“I don’t care what they say, I’m gonna be with you…” I sang on my way home.

“I wish it was me who you’ll be with,” Ntiyiso replied behind me, almost scaring me.

“It is you,” I found myself saying and I unexpectedly found myself kissing him; right in the street, with MaGumede staring at us like crazy. I didn’t worry ’cause mom would never believe a thing out of her mouth.

And now, my love tale begins.

The End

***

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