The post was posted on the 4th of May, almost a month now. I couldn’t even go to his funeral. I somehow blamed myself for not being there when my friend needed me. He kept calling me but I ignored his calls. Maybe he was going to tell me that he was sick and what was wrong with him. But I was just too ignorant and wanted to make him pay for hurting me.

I knew by ignoring him I would hurt him, even though it was hurting me too but that didn’t stop me doing it.

I inboxed Sarh and asked him what really happened to my friend. Days went by without getting any response from Sarh and he wasn’t that much on Facebook, but I kept checking my inbox every day.

He finally responded to me.

Omuhle, Mikit got really sick. He tried to call you so many times but you didn’t pick up. That guy really loved you. You were the first person he wanted to talk to every day and all the texts you were getting every morning on his last days were the only important thing to him…

I couldn’t even finish reading, I was in tears. I was so angry at Mthobisi and myself. I just felt like everything was falling apart. A big part of me had been taken away and now I had lost a part of me, the only person who understood me way better than anyone. I felt like the world had turned against me.

It was hard enough not talking to him the past few weeks, now finding out that I will never get to hear his voice again. No one would wake me up, just to say stupid things. I would never get any message to always kept me going. I felt so weak.

I couldn’t take the pain, to the point where I asked why God always took the people I cared about. First it was my parents, now the only person who gave me love and had hope in me. I felt like God really hated me even though I tried so hard to walk in his paths. I prayed and believed in him. I tried so hard not to go out of the way but he kept taking away my loved ones.

Wasn’t what I was doing enough? Why didn’t he just take me instead, then I would feel no pain; I would actually be free from everything. What was the use of being a God-fearing woman if these kind of things kept happening to me?

His death really made me question my faith in the Lord. I felt a bit different and just didn’t see the reason for praising God. I had no one because of God and I knew everything happened for a reason but this time I really needed to know the reason for taking Mthobisi. I understood my mother’s death; I think it was to make me a stronger and better person because I wouldn’t have gone to church and met the person I just lost. I wouldn’t be this strong, young woman.

But then I remembered what Mthobisi used to tell me: “Never to question God’s plan. Whatever he does it’s for a reason, you might not see it at that time but eventually you will, just stay strong, smile and never show the enemy your weak side. Always pray and remember that Mthobisi loves you.”

I had to pick myself up, stop crying, and stop questioning God because that’s what he would tell me to do.

Yes I was hurt and broken because I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to my best friend. No one understands the pain I was going through, only he would understand and find a way to make me feel better. But he was no more. It took time to recover from my loss. Even today I still think about him. No one can ever take his place in my heart. We never got to meet in person again but that didn’t stop us from loving each other. That’s true friendship.

Rest in peace Mthobisi Mxhakaza. Gone too soon.

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