Lebogang’s vision had changed my life drastically. I was now afraid; afraid to go out at night in case I walk into my fate. I was now afraid to go out even during the day. My own shadow terrified me.

I just couldn’t understand why, why me? I felt so dirty, as if the dream has occurred already. I hated myself so much that I actually didn’t care what happened here onwards. I kept wishing that after one long sleep I would wake up and realise this whole thing was nothing but a nightmare. Just when I decide that staying in bed all day won’t help in any way I get up and fear grips me again.

One day, my best friend Amu, came over to my house. I had just gotten out of bed to find my friend at the doorstep. She looked all so cleaned up and alive. As soon as she stepped in the door her face change to bemusement.

I just stared at her and said nothing.

“Why does it seem like you’re not ready for our go-out?” she asked. I continued to stare at her as if she had just spoken in a foreign language.

“Um… what go-out is that?”

With a rather pissed off tone she replied, “Oh please don’t tell me that you forgot.”

“I forgot what? Did we have plans maybe?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

Amu didn’t answer. She turned away and left for home.

Normally I would chase after her and try to explain why I forgot. And then we’d make up and laugh over it. But I just wasn’t in the mood. I went back to my room and pretended as if she hadn’t even pitched up. I had a lot on my mind and going out was not even on the list.

She could go jump in a lake for all I care, I thought to myself as I threw myself on the bed. I didn’t care for much anymore. I was just dreadfully waiting for the day when my life would be over.

I decided that I would stay home, then I wouldn’t have to deal with people who were against me. I’d been taking a lot of strain lately and had hardly even gotten a good night’s sleep, so a day nap was just what I needed. Just when I was starting to doze off, there was a noise.

The first thing that jumped to mind was that my attacker had come for me. I had spent a week at home, indoors, in my pyjamas, and he was tired of waiting around. He had come for me at home! All this time I had thought that if I stayed at home I would be safe, but clearly I was not.

By now my head was under the covers – hiding. I prayed that they would walk around the house and not come into my room. Listening closely to every sound, I heard a loud bang. He was in my room and had just closed himself inside.

If I reacted quickly maybe I could scare him and make a run for it. I decided to count to three, kick off the covers and scream at the same time. That was sure to shock my attacker and I would bolt for the door.

Three… two… I silently counted.

Just then, my sister started to giggled. Then she erupted in giggles and kept saying “Nooo, don’t lie.” Right then I realised that she was on the phone, talking to best buddy.

I had never in my life, been more grateful to hear her annoying giggles than I was at that particular moment.

One, I breathed out a sigh of relief as I uncovered myself.

“Whoa, what’s up with you?” she said as if she’d just seen a ghost. “You look half past dead,”

“Oh, wow thanks for the compliment,” I said sitting up on the bed.

“No really, have you looked in the mirror today?” she asked sounding very concerned. I just stared at her and said nothing. She was a perfectionist and had a knack to state the obvious. I suddenly annoyed by her presence once more.

If only she knew what was going through my mind then she’d know very well that looking in the mirror means seeing what ‘damaged goods’ I’m soon going to be. I just hated even the thought of having to look at myself in the mirror. Last time I did I saw a different person; ‘a dirty person’; a person I didn’t want to see.

Soon I’ll be a completely different person that everyone will label as ‘damaged goods’. And some will feel sorry for me. But I won’t be immune to those who will just say, “Oh no, she asked for it.”

Seeing that no-one in my family would believe me, I decided to go see my boyfriend; Gift. Maybe he’ll understand and not laugh in my face like everyone else, I thought.

***

Let’s chat: What do you think Gift will say?