So I decided…
Maybe these words won’t reach your expectations
But I will pen them down anyway,
For writing wasn’t part of the dream
But I had to learn to pen down my emotions
For the purpose of healing.
So I will write!
You said: “Write about me,” and I tried but guess what?
Maybe it’s impossible right now
For my mind is drowning in the ocean of frustration
With no one to save me.
Things get better and that I should believe,
But maybe…I’m too far from the future
And my eyes are too blurry to let me see
That things do get better.
So I will write…
Forgive me if I have broken all the poetry rules
But if it means to be sentenced to life
Then I’m ready to accept my punishment…
So I decided, maybe I should satisfy your unanswered questions.
You said: “Why don’t you trust people, why can’t you be transparent?”
But I will tell you why…
For my world has been filled with gray folks.
People with no specific identity…
The ones who turned into demons when I saw them as angels.
I vowed to not hold them accountable for my rollercoaster life…
But maybe I need to, but what difference will it make?
For the damage has long been made and can no longer be undone.
And you appear in the midst of it all and want to help me through
But I warn you, for many have given up even before they were through.
You might wonder why it is so difficult
To let the walls down and let people in…
I can’t, for I was denied every right except one right…
The right to remain silent about what I feel.
But you remained there, forcing yourself through the walls
And I said thank you!
How I wish ‘thank you’ could be a catalyst to my healing but no…
It’s a way of blinding you, letting you know that am ‘OK’
Because just maybe I don’t want to drown you in my depression.
I told you that I was positive this time around
And that I believe in the future greatness
But that’s just my heart speaking
For my mind narrates a different story…
And if I had one wish, I would wish to wake up every day,
Knowing that I am the person everyone seems to see…
For they read my face and ignore my mind
And that tells them a different story,
A story of the best adviser, the most positive girl
Who seems to have it under control.
Unfortunately it’s the other way around.
For the words I speak are the ones I seek to hear.
So I decided that I will pen down my thoughts
And at least give you 20% of the battlefield I try to run from
But am never strong enough to escape.
If these words didn’t reach your expectations
For I denied them any editing process
And if you get bored along the way
And could not reach till this point
I will comprehend for these words aren’t sweet to the ear…
So I wrote,
With my last pencil, only to finish with a sentence, thank you.