You held the gun to my head
As I watched you deceive me
And I allowed it
I allowed myself to fall into your rabbit hole
Perhaps I was driven by lust in the beginning
I was pathetic
I watched you break me
It’s the only form of love I’ve ever known
I betrayed myself trying to love you
Bent myself backwards
Changed my walk! My talk!
My mind stopped working
I was insane
I thought I needed you to breathe
I lied
You knew I would never be enough
Yet you strung me along
I allowed myself to dance to your tune
Even though my feet would bleed
They burn, they ache
Nobody could save me but myself
You didn’t deceive me.
I did.

I lied to myself because
I needed to hold on to the idea of you. Of us.
I needed a reason to be reckless
I need an excuse
An escape
I realise now that I was using you
Just as much as you were using me.