Was it me who made you so angry,
Was it me who made you so cold,
Was it me who made you so bitter,
Was it me who made you an ABUSER?
I was left with all these questions after a night of kicking and screaming,
After a night of begging and crying,
I tried to tell you that I was hurting,
But you didn’t listen ‘coz you were busy hitting,
I was just glad that I was still breathing.
It wasn’t always like this
We used to be best friends,
Sometimes I would forget that I was your girlfriend,
You once treated me like a Queen,
And I once treated you like a King,
You used to be so kind,
You used to be so nice,
Where did I go wrong,
I always thought that we belonged.
After many hours of beating me,
You turned around and apologised,
Saying you didn’t know what was going on with your mind,
Telling me how much I shouldn’t cry,
Saying you were going to try,
Looked into my eyes and said you were going to find help,
Because you didn’t want to go to hell.
Next day you bought me flowers
With a note saying “Ngyazisola ngeke ngiphinde ngikulimaze”.
I was blinded by love and lust
And refused to realise that it was just not right,
That I had rights,
And I decided to fight,
Because enough was enough
I refused to be a punching bag
Refused to fold my hands and die slowly,
Even though I was feeling so lonely,
You turned me into a loner,
But still, I had hope,
Hope to get away forever,
Hope that things will get better.
From the first day, I met you
People warned me,
But you promised me that you wouldn’t hurt me,
Saying that they were just jealous,
Because we had something special,
I believed you but remained curious.
Now I am left with scars on the outside and on the inside
The ones on the outside seems to be healing but the ones on the inside they tear me apart,
‘Coz I always thought we would never be apart,
Because I loved you from the start.
In the end, I realised that you were never going to change
That we would never have another chance,
So I made a choice,
To finally let you know,
That I was done!
Finally done with your lies and negativity,
Done with your anger and enormity,
And all your insecurities.
In the end, I ended up with a disorder called PTSD
In and out of therapy just to find answers,
The therapist told me that I was going to be alright,
That I was stronger than this,
That I was going to beat this,
Made me meet other women who were going through this.
I finally realised that it was not me
It was all you,
From the beginning, it was all you,
Tried my best but still, I couldn’t change you,
And I felt pity for you,
But in the end, I realised that everything was always going to be about you.