You have moments, where you can’t imagine a future?
You’re lying there, staring at the
Same life passing by
with nothing but the same old feelings of
empty and pale,
like there’s no reason to love and be loved.
when you can’t even do enough to fail.
the future is bright as advertised, but I don’t want to be in it,
can’t imagine myself in it.
where you just want to stop and vanish.
and just sit there for a while.
maybe not love, as that’s too permanent,
but something close to it.
when you can feel the rope around your neck,
the razor on your wrist,
the way the pills taste.
you can imagine it, and you aren’t sure if it’s what you want,
or if you just want the feelings you imagine it will give you,
I know you said to move on.
I tried to be fine with wading through this weather,
But the love in my heart still tells me it’s wrong.
Now, I’m not saying I’m resentful,
But you did treat me like I was special.
Lately things have been so uneventful.
And I’m starting to think this isn’t a game…
I get a little jealous when you look at other girls.
I know we’re not together, but
You are my whole world.
I get a little jealous when you talk about them too.
It’s because we’re not together, but
You told me that you liked me…
You told me that you do.
That I was your moon at night.
I was sunshine that could not fade away.
Now, I’m not trying to be weird, but
Call me, I’d give you my time.
Actually, I will give you everything,
Because I just want you to be mine and mine alone.
You are not a trophy or a prize to be won.
When I got too lonely, I’d just stare at your photos,
Soundless replacements for you, who knows?
I let different girls touch me.
Because I wanted to know and feel.
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved.
Even if that love was cheap.
And it tasted like rum
Like the punchline to a joke.
I never got it because it was me facing the mirror.
I let different girls have different parts of me.
Parts that they didn’t deserve.
But I offered them up willingly,
Because I couldn’t give anything else,
Because you broke me,
And I was looking for different fingers
To place different pieces and hoping.
That the outcome would be a masterpiece.
That maybe one of them would find a way.
To cover up the handprints you left all over me.
I let different girls touch me because I had to prove to myself
that you wouldn’t be the only one.
That the scars that mark my body
Wouldn’t define my worth to be loved.
I am still not entirely sure that you aren’t the only one.
Who could ever touch me.
I let different girls touch me because that is all I have been taught.
To be a joke,
To be silent,
To be ready to give until I have nothing left.
I am hoping one of them will show me.
But they keep leaving me.
And I am too scared to offer up anything more
than my body to get them to stay
and feel the vibes that made my spinal cord move.
That made me overcome winter and loneliness.
Showed me that waking up next to you
was the only glow one should have.
I loved more than you,
Sadly I got broken like a piece of bread.
I have turned into a shadow of a man walking to his grave.
Self-love has disappeared from every inch of my soul.