I wish we knew our tomorrow
So we’d stop worrying about today.
Couldn’t destiny whisper in our ears
His or her next move so we could know
When to move on.
I wonder if I’ll ever be okay again
I wonder how long it will take
For me to be okay
What will happen to make me okay.
I feel like an outcast,
Even happiness has abandoned me.
He doesn’t even come in thoughts anymore.
Instead of smiling for no reason
I cry for not knowing the reason
Why I’m unhappy.
Where did it all go wrong, what did I do?
What didn’t I do.
What did I say? What could I have said?
The thought of not knowing what’s next
Is increasing my anxiety.
The thought of knowing that
Decisions determine destiny
Is slowly killing me
Because I’ve committed
So many sins knowingly
That I’m afraid that my little good decisions
Will not affect my destiny
Because they will be overruled by the bad ones.
Nothing tragic has occurred yet.
My heart is not broken yet.
But this burden is making it heavy
And causing cracks in my spirit.
But I feel a storm coming,
One that will wound me till I bleed
One that will strip me of my confidence
And steal my confidants
Because I will not confess to them my sadness
And so they will view me as inconsiderate and leave.
I feel a rage of depression coming,
One deeper than the rest,
For this pit I will fall in is deeper than six feet under.
I will mourn for the day
My joy was taken away from me
By something or someone I have yet to know.
I will look at pictures where
Laughter and I were still best friends
But when the empty space fills me
I will cry for not fighting for him.
This is why nothing excites me,
Because nothing ends well for me.
May destiny have mercy on me,
My heart, body, and spirit
Can only take so much before they give up.
I wish I knew how to be happy
With the unknown
With the little information I know.