Words to my grandmother/Gertrude/1999

It was too soon, you left me
I was never gonna be ready
But you’re gone
I’ve been missing you
Every day since you left… it gets harder
You left a mark an emptiness too deep to fill
To hear your voice I’d kill
But I lack skill… motivation
You took them with you on your vacation…
Your trip…instead of me

How could you leave
I was so young
How did you expect me to survive
You were my life.
I was a child in so many ways.
I’ve found ways to keep me breathing…
Keep me awake… sane

I was not ready
I will never be, to ask for you to come back
Would be a joke, I choke on tears… on fears
On pain… seconds away from insane…. deranged

I’ve build myself a ship you see
Out of memories – days gone by
No-one is allowed on this ship
I had built it for us
Without you I won’t set sail

It can’t… it won’t let me… I have to let you go
I’m not ready – I’ll never be
Bring back to me what you took
Maybe then I’ll be fine…
My happiness… my smile… my ambition… my drive

You left without the slightest ‘goodbye’
It’s been years now though it feels like yesterday
I go through life trying to find a missing piece of puzzle that I will never find

You weren’t ready, no-one was
Took everyone by surprise

You were my friend
My mother my guardian my father
No one will replace you…
You left behind an empty shell
A timeless death

But to see me like this would kill your soul

So I fight
You were a soldier… so am I
You were a provider… so am I
Stood on your own two feet… I’m not far behind
The trails of your footsteps… They guide me

For you are there in times when I cannot see
In times when I’ve lost love in myself I hear your plea
I came into this world by myself… and so I would leave
Never live my life on my knees

You taught me better…
Tears are signs that you’ve lived, not reasons to build a shelter.