How does it feel sitting at Jesus’ feet? How do you see us from up there? Do you see us as tiny little ants or up close in full length? Well, I really hope that you are enjoying your stay. I hope that you have finally found peace. I’m relieved on your behalf that you’ve made it out of this vicious, wild and soul consuming world.
Today marks a week since your departure and I still cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I wake up at dawn to carry on from where I left off – with my crying of course.
I try to keep the noise as low as possible so that I do not disrupt the others from their sleep. Well, not that they have been sleeping of late. Ever since the news broke, it seems like we have all turned to be insomniacs. Everyone is restless. I always hear footsteps pacing on the passage from different bedrooms to the bathroom and kitchen, over and over again. I also hear the clicking sound made by a spoon stirring inside a cup, that’s an irregularity in this house.
People tell me that it gets better with time but I feel like every new day is worse than the last. It feels like someone is holding a stick, poking at an open wound and then rubbing salt on it. I have made peace with the fact that I will never heal every single time I think of you.
I try to carry on with my regular duties but like a raging storm, my thoughts attack me all the time. I try to conceal them, to not let them show, to run from them so that I don’t trigger the others. But like relentless demons they reside within me. There is literally no escape from this. You know, sometimes I feel like the world goes on around me and not with me, and I’m caught in the middle, trying to make sense of what’s going on. I’m screaming at this horrible whirlwind to stop but it never does. Instead it makes an even bigger mess that can never be cleaned up.
Life with you was smooth sailing, a well-oiled machine, but now something feels amiss. You left an enormous void in all of us.
I struggle to deal with this kind of pain on my own. I used to think that I was hurt in the past, but nothing, and I mean nothing on the earth or above and below, has ever prepared me for this. I stay tranquilized most of the time. I know that I’ll need to stop at some point but I feel like I cannot cope on my own just yet, it’s way too soon. Sleeping pills and antidepressants happen to be my only coping mechanism. I really hope that this does not disappoint you, that’s the last thing I want.
To have you looking down at me and not smile. I want you to be proud of me, to love me still. I promise to stay away from all the things you said I shouldn’t do, the things you warned me about, I’ll always flee from them. When I consider doing those, I feel like you will drift much further away from me. Further than what the inevitable occurrence has brought upon us, so I stay rid of them. I find solace in doing things that I know you’d approve of, things that would make you want to say “That’s my little sister right there.” Those are the things that bring me much closer to you.
I keep pictures and videos of you saved on every app I can get my hands on. I save motion pictures of you doing mundane tasks in my mind, like putting on makeup, preparing to go to work. And you’d always look extra dapper after that, like you’re taking your afternoon walk.
You were such a fitness junkie, sleeping with a blanket over your nose to protect yourself from sinuses. And like the look you had on your face when you took me to see Port Shepstone for the very first time. God knows how much you loved that place. These, and many others, are souvenirs that I want to keep for the rest of my life – till we meet again.
I dreamt of your passing and it seemed way too far-fetched at the time. Like why would you die?
You were young, in great health and you had too much to live for. Sometimes I wish that death had sat us down as a family, and we’d have a scrupulous discussion on who should depart. Then on the real I would’ve sacrificed my life for yours. I wish that we could trade places. I want you to see the sun, the moon and the stars again. I want you to take another trip again. And mostly, I want you to be able to kiss your sons goodnight again, to be able to see them grow up to be men.
I fail to comprehend how this happened; one minute you were happy, living your best life and the next you were gone. I would love to have you back but this is something that I have no control over, and I guess it is what we call destiny. I want you to know that I love you, forever and always.
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