It’s not my fault, it’s not the parent’s fault either, but somebody needs to be blamed. Someone is responsible and the question is who??
There are a lot of things that people will say to make you feel better, no matter how traumatized you are. They will try by all means to make you feel better, but if only they knew how you were really feeling. It’s like you’ve lost a whole part of you, like you’ve lost your sanity because even a cellphone ringtone scares the hell out of you. “At least your life was spared” is what the community said, it is also what my family said. Not long ago I’d go wherever I wanted and wear whatever I felt like with no fear of what people might say and mostly what they might do. Today is different, today I have to watch my distance and I have to make sure that whatever I wear doesn’t reveal a lot of my body. Today I’d sooner run away from a person instead of a dog barking at me. I’d rather lay next to a snake than have a guy walking behind me. That’s how afraid I am, not because of nature but the beast in human form waiting to tear our souls apart.
The fear of being the only lady walking along the street with only males. The fear of smiling at them because you don’t know what their minds are cooking. I still remember the day I got mugged, only I can’t explain the emotions which my body struggles to describe. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and I will never forget the clashing thoughts my mind couldn’t accommodate. Right then if only I could cry out for death because that’s the first thing one can yearn for after being sexually abused. Not that I was raped, but it was going there and I’m grateful that God never approved.
The smiles they show you after forcefully taking what is yours are devious and scary. The very same people you live with in your community, people who are supposed to be your protectors, are the people who are planning against you. Not that the community doesn’t try to fight such people; youngsters who have turned into dangerous criminals and school dropouts you can’t imagine sharing the road with. In our own communities we are supposed to feel safe, but all we feel is fear.
There is a fear of being raped, especially when you are a woman. We are unable to see what these men are thinking up until they act. We cannot control what they feel, only they can. Being a woman in my community is a struggle. If you are not hurt by drunkards forcing you to sleep with them, you are robbed by criminals taking everything you own. You can’t do anything except cry yourself to sleep because the law fails us dismally.
It’s not only nyaope boys who make our lives a living hell. The rich men with all the money take part too. They take advantage of young girls and rob us of a bright future. This all comes back to human trafficking and making young girls into sex slaves. Then I ask you, how am I supposed to feel safe when for all I know one day I might be dragged off the streets by scary men with the aim of selling me?
I know the feeling of wishing for death. I know the feeling of feeling unworthy. But mostly I know the feeling of being unsafe.