Ever since I can remember, I always felt sad, angry and super lonely. I don’t know when it all started, but it was from a very young age.
I always felt discriminated against by my family and my mother abused me, both emotionally and physically. Then I found out that my father denied me, that was the worst. I wish they never told me the truth because there was no need and reason for me to know that.
Life always felt so harsh and difficult for me from a very young age. I attempted suicide at 12 years old. I almost succeeded when I tried a different method after my matric, but once again I failed.
I did not really want to die; it was just a cry for help.
No one understood the reason and they still don’t. I also don’t understand it. I feel like I don’t belong here on earth. Maybe I’m just a spirit that manifested in a body by mistake. I feel lost more and more every day. I cannot relate to anyone or anything at all.
I have always been a quiet girl in class. I was smart but that wasn’t enough to get me noticed; I always felt invisible to people. It was no wonder I would always end up with one friend. From primary school to tertiary, and even at church, there was that one person I blended with and would always feel lost when they were not around. They were fake, but at least they remembered me.
I don’t know what happiness feels or sounds like. I’ve never felt it before, not even after I had received my first gift. Even after I gave birth to the most precious and handsome boy ever. I have never had an orgasm before, nor do I know what affection feels like. I’ve never felt any chemistry with a guy I have slept with and I don’t know how it feels to be loved or to love.
What is wrong with me? I always wonder. Why am I like this? I always have something to say but never say anything. Forever hopeful, but never believing. People always perceive me as quiet, shy and lazy, but deep inside I’m nothing like that, but it never shows.
I’m never able to do what I want or desire because of fear and doubt always clouding my thoughts. My life is just a dream that never comes true. I finished high school but never applied to study further because I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I always go for cleaning posts, everyone can clean right? Even my CV says cleaning is my skill. Where did I go wrong?
I got a cleaning job for the first time after nine years of doing nothing. I quit the job because I failed to blend with the team. I managed to hold on for four months but just couldn’t continue. It was difficult to just sit there and wish I could join in the conversation, but did not because of doubt and fear that anyone would ever listen.
Over 30, but still feel like I’m 12.
I tried all I could to find a solution. I tried all kinds of beliefs, even clinical psychology could not help. I can’t even find joy in Christ and I have prayed and cried to God but nothing. I just pretend my way through every church service and go home to cry because of failure. I don’t get it. When will it end? So many regrets and confusion. Even traditional ways didn’t work, not even black magic will work. What will?
It gets worse as I grow older. I get sadder, lonelier and even angrier. It upsets me because I don’t understand why I’m like this?
It always resorts to self-pity. And that is why my relationships always end with the guy saying, “Let’s just be friends.” I give very good advice and have had positive feedback from those I have advised. I have spiritually healed a few with my kindness, well, fake kindness. How can I be kind with such anger in my heart?
Every day I just want to close my eyes and go, I just don’t know where?
I never start something and finish it. I’ve never achieved anything in my life. I used to read a lot but that too, as well as the passion for writing, became useless and tiring.
I’m always intimidated by my peers. I feeling so lost, low and ugly. The fact that I keep gaining weight makes things even worse. I’m forever wishing to lose weight but I never stop with the junk food. Food is my comfort.
When will it end? I have been tired for so long now, I’m tired of being tired. It gets darker every night. Why can I not be happy? If not for me, at least for my boy. I can’t even play with him. His joy makes me angry and his sadness makes me cry.
I don’t want to be a bad mother. I want to share joyful and happy moments with him. I want to open my eyes in the morning and feel like waking up. I want to dress up and feel like going out. I want to go out and feel like playing with my son. I want to scream for joy. I want, I want and I want every day, but never do I get what I want.
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