I sat there for many years with faith and hope that everything will be OK. I wasn’t blind to see but I was silent to speak. My mind was active to think and my heart captured everything. I was strong enough to accept rejection and being a loner. It wasn’t my choice but it was my decision.

My aim was to build a solid structure but I failed to do so. I failed to take the right route and now everything is falling apart. I was a curse to the people that I look up to, the people whom I thought I could lean on. I started crying for almost every day of my life. For a moment it relieved me but sometimes it didn’t, it drove me back to some bad memories.

I was hanging out with my “friend” the toilet, the one thing that never rejected me, she was always amazing to me. As amazing as she was I couldn’t even notice her smell. I would sit there and share my pain, thoughts and dreams with her.

“I feel your pain but can’t say I understand what you are going through. You see, I also go through pain every day of my life and it will forever be like that. I’ve just learned to accept the whole situation. Everybody pretends to like me but they only use me. Be glad for you still have hands to do what you want do. I wish I had hands too to clean myself up but I can’t. People leave me dirty and smelling, stay strong,” she said.

I took her words and came to a conclusion which I believed was better for me not, everybody else, but me. It would start with one drop of a tear and before I even knew it, the pillow would be flooded. I know I wasn’t a saint, sometimes I would blame myself for everything. The truth is, I’m drowning, every now and then it’s painful but it doesn’t matter anyway.


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