The fear of being judged. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of being great. The fear of love. The fear of just being yourself.
It’s evident that you’re not real but one can never say the same about your destructive impact. You’ve consumed a billion lives and yet you’re not sorry about it.
Fear, you’re the reason why I despise you, the reason why I have trust issues, the reason I’m insecure – the reasons why you and me can never work out. You’re the reason I left you.
You’re ghastly psychologically and emotionally as a friend of plenty but mine. A friend that eats away at the wellbeing of my heart and mind. A hypocrite that feeds off the lack of my freedom and confidence.
I always remember how you got to be more than just a part of me and became my worst adversary. You’ve known me since my infant days and our intervention now proves to be less than divine because you don’t want the best for me. You used to be my protector but now it’s unpleasant to realize that your protection destroys aspects of my growth and change. I trusted you with my life, gave you a warm reception in my house of love but what did you do? You invited more of your relative thoughts and emotions until my house became a place of safety as if it belonged to you, the other thoughts and emotions.
I used to think that the world is my oyster until you turned me into your oyster. I never thought I could be the one to break your fast, becoming your breakfast, lunch and dinner. I used to know zero limits except the blue sky as a child, but as I got older you became my only limit. As a young adult now, you still treat me like your ten year old child that you keep failing to take care of as a parent. You keep telling me lies. You keep pampering with me with your anxieties that are attracting a deep depression. You keep telling me what not to do instead of what to do. You’re always ignoring your coward-effect you have on me. You’re relentlessly abusing me psychologically and emotionally. You always set bad examples. Your favoritism and partiality aren’t in my favor. You’re oppressive, manipulative and irresponsible. Whatever great decisions and dreams I failed to execute people think it’s me while on the contrary, it’s you.
I used to not care about what people think of me. This is all your doing, not mine, you were just using me, you never cared like you said you’d care for me.
Okay maybe I’m being a little irresponsible for putting the blame on you.
But can’t you see I’m taking after you?
Can’t you see how your strings are affecting me?
Can’t you see that our relationship is toxic?
Can’t you see how we were NOT meant to be?
Fear, I am well aware that I cannot live with you,
But I also am, well aware that I cannot live without you.
I’ve known you for a lifetime
It feels like I’ve been robbed of my chills
I know you like I know all of my secrets.
And you know me like I know my weakness.
I am constantly haunted by you through memories of my dark past on each day that passes by
And all my mind can do is wonder if I’ll be fine if I left you behind.
I really need to get away from your day to day bad company,
I’m sorry but you’re one of those peers with the kind of pressure I don’t need.
I’m not trying to get smart on you,
I’m just sick enough to say
That my world was so perfect until I met you.
I lost the exact memory of the day I met you, but somewhere along the way you came along and my life was never the same thereafter. Perhaps the day we met was the day I started having Titanic dreams. Perhaps it was the day three different men, one I personally knew, and the other two I only slightly knew came up to me reeking of alcohol one day on different days and hinted that they personally knew my father. Such a coincidence that one of them is my cousin’s brother, the second one is my uncle’s friend and the other one is my friend’s uncle that happens to live next door to my father’s home. The other one lived around the same street. The cousin brother was living with us then. They all appeared to have known my father better than I do, and that’s if I do at all. I was still a teen when I heard that. Is it the day I confronted my granny and mother about it that I got angry, or is it the day me and my stepfather found each other in a toxic relationship, No? What about the day I flunked big time on running an NPO that I founded, No? What about the day the kin I thought was my friend wanted to kill me with a knife in his angry hands, No? Okay what about the day I lost my grandfather and other good people that I know who adorned my world, No? Wait, what about the day the mother of our beautiful daughter told me we were few weeks pregnant? The day when I feared that I wouldn’t manage to be a better dad than the one I never had and the one I have, No? Wait I think I know exactly when, isn’t it the first day I got bullied at school, No? What about the day I broke a heart of a girl that dearly loved me? Wait what about when a girl I dearly loved walked out on me? No? Oh come on …
Isn’t it the day I got stabbed and nearly robbed of my life? Or one Wednesday night when I got arrested, 16 years already, going through assault charges and absorbing the spirits that were in the holding cells? What about the year I had to go through other facets of my grade 11 while receiving special treatment because I was recovering from the incident, or the day I got so exposed to the News channels and Horror movies that made me perceive the world as a cruel place to be in?
NO? What, none of them? What is it then?
See this is the reason why I despise you – the reason you and me can never work out. You’re the reason I left you.
You keep shying away and instead of you enlightening me, you’d rather frighten me. That’s just you and your underworld doings.
Well I always remember you through those past situations and still, my amygdala gets threatened, my pupils dilate, my heart accelerates, my bronchi misbehave when I envisage my lush and grandiose future. You’re like the past that’s also has room in the future, it’s wrong to mark you absent because you’re always present. You even have the nerve to follow me in my nightly dreams where I still feel you like I’m watching a scary movie at a cinema.
Again, this is the reason why I despise you – the reason you and me can never work out. You’re the reason I left you.
But since I seem to have become your puppet I beg you to tell me…
How many bottles do I have to kiss just to silence you?
How fast do I need to run just to get past and over you?
How much shaking do I need to do for you to know that you don’t deserve me?
How many relationships do I need to cut loose to accommodate you?
How many pledges do I need to break for you to give up on me?
How many times do I have to fail you?
Wait, how many victory laps do I need to take for you to finally congratulate me?
Don’t you ever fear that one day you’ll wake up with a missing
Part of the heart of mine that created a beat for you and you’ll pass away?
Don’t you fear that one day you’ll wake up (as usual)
On your side of our bed and I won’t be there to give you those warm kisses on the forehead?
With all the supercoiled words I always said to throne you,
I shall apply them to me to claim back my crown that I carelessly lent to you.
Don’t you fear that the day will come whereby you’ll be a troglodyte with no one to drag and to suffocate?
And when you see me I would be so different from him who always gave you solace, unknowing that you’d make him fond of your tricknologies.
But fear, you and I both know better.
No matter how I despise you,
I would either be in jail, crippled or dead by now
If it wasn’t for you.
I know I don’t love you but somehow the hate I give to you feels like
My love for you in disguise.
Without you I wouldn’t know the depths of hell,
Without you I wouldn’t dream of heaven.
I don’t know if I should thank or condemn you
But hey, it’s over!
Fear, you’re the reason why I despise you – the reason why you and I can never work out.