Sometimes life can be so unfair, to the point where one starts thinking that there is no point in waking up in the morning. 2019 was the worst year of my life as I encountered two major setbacks in my life. The first one started in December 2018 when I found out that I was pregnant and I could not even tell my parents as they are very strict and old fashioned.
I just figured that they would find out as time went on. On the 27th of February 2019 at 2am, I started experiencing major pains on my abdomen. At first, I thought it was just a stomach bug so I went to the toilet. As soon as I got inside the toilet, the pains got really bad to the point where I just laid on the floor, screaming. Luckily my little sister and my stepmom heard me and quickly rushed over to check on me.
I could not explain anything as I was in pain, so they quickly rushed me to the clinic. I must have passed out on the way as I woke up in the clinic ward and the nurse was there looking at me with a sorry face. That’s when I knew that my baby was no more. I asked the nurse what had happened to my baby. She told me that he was no more; I just went cold. I was so numb that I did not even cry, I just went back to sleep.
A few days after being discharged I started having nightmares and when they finally stopped, insomnia started creeping in. I would stay awake in bed until 2 to 3am wondering what life would have been like if I had not lost my baby. Sometimes I ask myself if this was some sort of punishment. I deserve to bring life to this world and be happy like other mothers. I almost drowned in depression because I had no one to talk to. Eventually I managed to stick my head out of the pool of depression, I was hoping that I would focus all my energy on school.
But just when I thought I was going to be okay I found out that I was not going to be able to register for my second year of Bachelor of Education in the Intermediate Phase because my parents did not pay my school fees. That was the last straw. I went straight back to being depressed and from that point I was so broken that I gave up on all the people I trusted, I became a loner.
One thing that kept coming back to my mind was that my parents were definitely punishing me because I got pregnant. I started thinking of running away from home and even finding a job, so that I could do things on my own. But that did not work out, it’s really difficult to find a job without any experience or qualifications.
I felt like I was floating on air like a feather without purpose and direction. The only thing that restrained me from thinking about suicide was that I loved teaching and I enjoyed it during my first year of teaching practice.
I realised it is what I was born to do and I would fight tooth and nail to make sure that I achieved that for myself and for all those kids that are going to need future teachers like me.
We are now in 2020 and I am still not registered for second year but I have hope that I will register before school reopens. I feel that the raw deal life has dealt me has only made me stronger, both mentally and emotionally. So basically, what I am saying is that life is unfair, but you just have to be strong and hold your head high even when you feel like you won’t make it through the day.
Don’t think about the depressive situation that life has thrown at you, just think of all the goals you are yet to achieve and forget about the failed ones…
Tell us: What would you do if you were not able to pay for school fees?