I keep turning and tossing several times, as I try to sleep. I’ve been through hell the whole week. I am sleepless, low energy, low interest in everything, even in the things I’ve declared to be my favourite, things that I would die for.
I’m experiencing the same day today that I experienced three years ago.
It’s like it was yesterday, and it hurts even more than before. It feels as if I’ve fallen over a healing wound and have left it bleeding again with the worst pain possible. The pain is unbearable; I just can’t take it. It’s been three years, and I can’t seem to forget. I was just an innocent and naive 15 year old girl. I never imagined that the world could be as cruel as it is.
I spent most of my time at home; I didn’t usually go-out, visit friends or anything of that sort. I enjoyed my mom’s company. “Me and her on the table”, that’s how we rocked. I managed to do my school work, household chores and spend time with her as well. I was just a good girl; I never deserved such a brutal thing. I deserved better.
I still don’t understand why God did that to me. I tried all my best to be helpful and I prayed every night. I did all that was asked of me to do; nurses came and gave me instructions on what she was supposed to eat, time keeping for medicine, for meditation and for resting. All ways of trying to get her better and well again. I tried my very best to change the situation. All I wished for was to see her get on her feet again, but I was left empty handed.
God decided to take my Mother away from me, the only parent I had, my provider. He took my dearest friend, the one I admired the most, my ideal woman, the one I looked up to, my role model, my own flesh and blood. He didn’t think twice to take her soul. He snatched her and left me worthless, leaving my heart in a manner that feels as if someone stabbed me and left the knife in my heart, not ever bothering to take it out again. It feels as if my heart is bleeding every second of my life and it can never mend again. My life ended right away; I felt neglected and forbidden, all in one packet.
I saw the world in a different way. I hated everything. I experienced what you call an ‘ego boost.’ I turned into someone else, someone that she would hardly recognise. I felt as if I was the only one in this world and that no one understood my feelings. I thought I would never understand the meaning of love ever again. I kept my feelings to myself; I never wanted to be a burden or sympathised with. I always thought to myself that she would come back some day and that no one needed to worry about me. I had a mother, I was not an orphan.
I’ve been fooling myself for all these years. It’s now the third year, and she’s still not here with me, I think to myself. I decide to wake up instead of thinking, and it is about 11:55.
My eyes are still blurry, since I had been crying all day long, thinking of how I lost my mommy on the very same day three years ago. The imagination is clear as crystals, the pain is even more dreadful when I realise how much I was suffering now that she’s really gone for good.
Her face is drowning in my eyes, her voice in my ears. As she was laying down in her deathbed, I was standing right next to her head. I wanted her to say something, but she never did. She was powerless and helpless; her eyes said it all. She never wanted to leave her princess.
I then fell down on my knees and laid my head next to hers. Tears never stopped from falling; she couldn’t look at me any longer, instead she just closed her eyes. She couldn’t breathe properly. I found her snoring now, and every breath of hers cut my heart to the point that I was losing myself.
I then decided to leave. I wasn’t myself; I felt the burden in my shoulders like a dark shadow in my eyes. I hit the road, and the more I sweat, the more I felt a relief.
The weather changed quickly, it began to get dark, and my heart was beating like a drum. I struggled to breathe, plus I was wet as if it was raining.
I stopped in the middle of nowhere, my body frozen like ice, my eyes blurred, and my head spinning like a wheel. I fell down, and I felt warm air, and I heard a loud sound, then I turned my head around and a car almost hit me. I stood up immediately, brushed my wet hair and went back home immediately. On my way, it was raining, I was crying and I was sweating. My heart knew it all. I went right straight to my house’s backyard. I cried so hard that I became louder than the sound of the rain. It fell harder as if it was angrier than I was. The louder it fell, the louder I shouted. I knew for a fact that she was gone. I felt the pain of her being taken away from me.
I never bothered to check on what was happening inside the house. People were walking up and down, and I heard some screaming and that’s when I locked myself in that dusty room. Someone came to check on me, but I didn’t bother to open the door. All I wanted was to be alone, just me, alone.
Till today, she hasn’t come. I’m done! I’ve had enough! I can’t take it anymore. I won’t cry again, ever! I should learn to be a big girl. Well she’s not with me. She will never come back. I shall forgive myself.
I’ve shed more than enough tears; today is the last day. All is well with my soul. Maybe I should try something interesting, be in touch with her, expression my feelings and let things flow on their own.
My Dearest Mom,
Today is your death day. I’ve grown to a big girl, and I love you so much, but I have to let you go.
I know now that you will never come back to me, but your soul will always be with me. I promise to be the best daughter ever. I’ll do my very best to be as good as you were. You were just perfect to me, and for that I’ll always cherish our time.
I Love You Mommy. I should keep on writing about you on your death day, and that may heal my unhealed wound.
I immediately lay my big head over my comfortable pink pillow and close my eyes dead, going into my own dream world.
TELL US: Do you use writing to help yourself?