Oh how I hate this day. Everyone is celebrating the birth of Christ, but here I am, all lonely in the midst of my family. I am not proud of who I am but there is nothing I can do about it. I know what you are thinking. You think I am a coward who is unable to control her life, a spoilt weak brat. I have been told that so many times. Yes, it does hurt me to look in the mirror and feel all those thoughts sink in my mind. It hurts me to believe that I am a loser who cries whenever life puts me down.
I know cutting myself is a sign of weakness like you say. I did not choose to feel the way I feel. It doesn’t help to tell me that I won’t go anywhere in life if I always sulk. Tell me how to be strong then. I know everyone faces challenges and deals with them, but is it my fault that I cannot? Sometimes I publicise my pain not because I seek attention, but because I hope someone out there might reach out to me. Does that make me stupid? You say blood is thicker than water, that family will never leave you for the wolves. Why do I feel like they do not care? Why do I feel like I am not supposed to be alive?
Sometimes I look in the mirror trying to look at the person reflecting back, and ask “who are you?”. I can’t seem to find any answers. I cannot even hangout with my peers because of my low self-esteem. Sometimes I wish I could find someone to comfort me but there is none. Whenever I find someone trying to reach out to me, I push them away. Why can’t I be happy and loved like other kids? Why am I always misunderstood for trying to do what is good? My best is never good enough.
My heart bleeds whenever I see my family happy together. None of them ever notices the pain and loneliness in my troubled eyes. Whenever they laugh a part of me dies, it is like I am an enemy. I am not proud of all that, but what can I do? Why did I have to be the one to go through all of that? I hate the Christmas moment. It makes me feel like less of a human. Life is not fair. I also deserve happiness. Surely, God loves me too. What did I do wrong to deserve this punishment?
For some reason I feel like I’m the most stupid person in my community. Even the kids treat me like an insane person. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know in the past I could not feel anything, not that I didn’t want to. I couldn’t get heart broken or even sad. I would seldom cry. Unlike the old days, I can feel emotions; some which I can’t explain, but they still treat me like a psychopath. I’m not crazy, I can think and see things like everybody else but why am I treated like this? It’s all an unfathomable mystery.
As unfair as life is, it taught me independence. It made me a responsible young woman. I know that no one can account for me apart for myself. It puts me in situations where I come out victorious. It taught me to never give up. It made me realise that it is okay to not be okay. Through all the unfairness of life I always know every cloud has a silver lining. I should stop isolating myself because of a fear of being judged, but I must face my fear directly and become a better person.
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