The one thing I regret is the time I wasted studying at the college, all because I judged myself. I lied to myself, thinking I didn’t have the brain capacity that people at universities have, and I was wrong. I judged myself and locked myself in a cage, stopping myself from seeing the life I was meant to live after matric. I thought I didn’t belong there and only the braves did, but I was wrong.

That place was never in my thoughts and I didn’t know about it before. I was told it existed, that I would get better schooling there, because “your Aunt will provide you with a residence and you won’t bother your mother much.”

I accepted because I was afraid to face the big world of varsity and its challenges. I went there as told but I was scared when I saw the long queues. How was I going to manage the long queue? On the other hand, I also feared that I would be in school with geniuses who got distinctions in matric while I was just an average student with average marks. I took my wisdom further away by changing from university to college.

I thought I would be a genius since it was a small institution, but I was wrong. The geniuses I was scared to face at university were at college as well. I thought getting high marks meant you knew everything, but it wasn’t that way. It only required understanding a concept and applying it practically, it was never about marks. The trials we face at college are the same as university, since we face the same challenges, but I locked myself in a cage of fear.

I got stuck in college and studied. I can’t say I learnt everything I wanted to know, because that institution I was at didn’t offer the subjects universities did. What I hated about college was that they only taught you about handy jobs and we never got the chance to produce new ideas within a module.

I was supposed to be at university, because they offered the subject that could fulfil my dream. I regret the time I wasted at college. I wasn’t always committed to my books, sometimes I would judge the education the books at college offered me. I always needed to be taught kinesthetically and they never wanted to. At first, I got through the textbooks well, and next I faced a fail.

The fail made me think even more about my belonging in the college. I started doubting myself, thinking that if I couldn’t pass at college, what about at a higher institution where courses were highly priced?

“Maybe I belong here and this fail is a lesson,” I told myself.

I failed again. I didn’t know what was wrong with me any more. The part of going to university and being kinesthetically taught was always in mind and took 30% of my brain. I said to myself that the next year I would to register at a university, but when I heard people saying I was wasting time going there when I could just finish college first, I got discouraged.

I was in the middle of many conversations; I didn’t know which one to listen to. I wasted my time when I could have been a second-year student at varsity by then. I wanted to go there, but I included people in my verdict and brought other people’s opinions into my decision. My life was never on the same scale, fluctuating every second, I even thought of applying for learnerships as they teach both practice and theory. I was confused about which way to follow. I did have goals before, but then they were cluttered.

Next year is a chance for my sister to go tertiary level and all eyes are on me to look for a job and help her financially. I got financial help from my mother’s uncle, whom I am named after. I don’t want my sister to struggle like other students do, but how will I manage if I still want fulfilment? I wasted time, now I will be forced to work the job I never dreamed of.

I want my sister to study any course she dreams of without thinking about where she is going to get money. I don’t want her to be looking for the fulfilment I need now. I love what I have studied at the college and I’m passionate about the course but, afterwards, I was never satisfied with what I had learnt, because of fear. This fear made me study where I never thought I would study, it created a boundary between university and me.

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Tell us: What fear has got in your way of achieving something?