I never knew that it would happen. I didn’t know how to explain the sensation in my chest, I didn’t know what I felt whether I was angry, sad, happy or what. I just couldn’t put into words the feeling.
I was with him on my way home but I had to visit Ma’s graveyard to get some peace, to feel free and make the feeling go away. I didn’t know whether to ask him to go with me or run away. I started feeling emotional but I stopped the tears from falling onto my cheek. He noticed as well. All this time in his mind he thought he did something wrong but it wasn’t him.
The feeling took control of my body but I couldn’t just leave him like that. I gave him my bag and cell phone.
“I have to go somewhere,” and I ran off. Even though he kept calling out my name, I just ran.
Then I noticed he wasn’t behind me, thought maybe he actually let me be. I took a different route and it was a long one. I got the chance to admire the trees and sky but I got worried when it became too green. What if I get rapped or mugged or killed? The thoughts were ringing in my mind. I suddenly regretted my decision, I was so stupid.
I had to continue, finish my journey so I ran for dear life until I finally saw the gate to my destination. I walked in and I was shocked when I saw him there. I didn’t expect him to be there but I was grateful he was there as I was an emotional wreck. He opened his arms and allowed me to cry in his arms. I cried and he joined me. He was my big baby and I called him Lholho and he was there since the first breakdown.
We broke off the hug and went to her grave yard. It wasn’t my first time going there. I couldn’t stand as I was weak so I sat down and cried once more and he joined me. He gave me his shoulder to cry on but I was also feeling sorry for running away from him when he was the only who knew my demons.
After all that, we walked back. I asked him why he went there.
“That is because I love you and I care and I couldn’t let you go in that state you were in.”
I realised maybe he did really love me. Lord knows how much I loved him and what a pity that sometimes my actions didn’t show, but I really did. Maybe it is time to heal now or is it? He wouldn’t be there anymore to give me his hugs or be there physically when I needed him. It was only going to be me and my demons. I did not know how I would survive but I was working on that before he left.
Depression is real but not everyone knows or understands it. I hope I don’t have any breakdowns in the near future, I don’t think I will survive.
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