Letter to my son

I spent days waiting in anticipation on the hospital bed wondering what you would look like. Waiting for the doctors to tell me when they were planning to make your debut. I’d never spent so many nights at a hospital before, it even began to feel like home. Every day I met different pregnant women, even made friends who are on my WhatsApp contact list now. Little did I know how much your arrival would change me.

From the time of my pregnancy, I felt you, every day. How hard you would jab me and how you would press down my abdominal area whenever I sat in a position that you did not like. I felt the vigorous kicks and long stretches that gave me sleepless nights. I felt you from the moment you started making movements in my tummy and it feels good that you’ve been in my arms from the moment I gave birth to you.

‘Elective caesarean-section’ I sang this song for the seven days of my hospital stay. When the day finally arrived, I experienced one of the most magical moments of my life. The porter took me to the operating theatre. As I made way to this life changing moment, I whispered a small prayer. I knew God was with us all the way. Before getting operated, I met the team that was going to perform my C-section operation. The anesthetic team explained the whole process to me.

They began by inserting an extra drip on my right hand arm then gave me the spinal block to numb my lower body. I’d never experienced anything like this before. They had put a sheet to obstruct me from seeing the obstetrician as he performed the operation.

The moment finally arrived, I felt them extract you from my womb and a few seconds later I heard your first cry. I couldn’t help it, tears just streamed down both of my cheeks. I’d never felt so much bliss in a long time. They brought you to my face so that I could see you, then took you back to get you cleaned up. I felt the doctor close up my wound and opened the sheet to tell me the operation went smoothly.

The whole team came to carry me from the operating bed to the stretcher. They congratulated me and wished me well for the future. One of the doctors, a white lady, was so mesmerised by you. With your skin color, I’m sure she thought you were one of them.

“Your son is so cute, I love him. He’s not mine but I love him!” she said to me as they pushed the stretcher to the recovery room.

The nurse came holding you. She had brought you to me so that we could have a skin-to-skin bond. I’ve been holding you ever since that moment.

I know there’s a lot that I have not given you, compared to your big sister. I know I owe you a pregnancy photoshoot, sonograms, a delivery at a private hospital and mostly a family picture on the day that we took you home for the first time. Hush little one, mommy has a lifetime to make it all up to you.

After all the family feuds, the breakups, the makeups, the insults and the betrayals that I had to endure during my pregnancy, I have decided to name you ‘Lethukuthula’, which means you have brought peace. I could already feel the peace from the moment I held you in my arms for the very first time. I love you!

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