We live and breathe words, it was book that make me realised that. Sometimes we see living in this world as something so difficult to do, but that is wrong. Life is so bliss and beautiful. It is the way we choose to live our lives that make us see living in this unpredictable world tough and that determines the way life treat us. Here is the beginning of my life in the real world.

While growing up, I used to dream about all the good things in this life, but now I don’t anymore. I’ve changed, because of the way I chose to live my life. My mother has always been there for me, through thick and thin. Even now, I still get all the support I need from her. She has done everything she could to give me the life I deserve. Actually to me, she is a blessing.

Yes, my father is still alive, but he’s never been a part of my life the way my Queen-Nokwethemba has. He chose not to be a part of my life or spend any time with me. I used to get everything I wanted from the pillar of my strength – my mom. Somehow, I was a spoilt brat, but that didn’t make me forget about my dreams and all I wanted to be in life.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and be young again, but that will never happen. I now believe that the past cannot be erased, that we just have to accept it the way it is and that is what I’m going to do. I will not let the mistakes I made take away all I have in the future. I want to have a bright future filled with joy and happiness, which is what my queen wants for me too.

I miss Sibusisiwe, she had big dreams, but then again, she was young and didn’t know how the real world worked. To her, everything seemed to be so easy and every goal was achievable. Since she witnessed the real world, she understands clearly that not everything goes the way she planned it.

Back when I was a child, before I knew how life was supposed to be lived, I regarded my virginity as something precious and I still do now. I told myself that no one would get it without my parent’s blessings, but now I don’t believe so anymore. I almost lost the person who meant the most to me, someone I loved with all my life and heart. Someone who is so special to me, who is a blessing from God.

You know why? Because I was selfish. I only cared about what I wanted, not what he wanted or what we both wanted. Everything was all about me, it was as if I was in a relationship with myself only. Now, I want to change, I want to show him how much I love him, but not with my body. I’ve lived, I’ve loved but most of all I’ve learned. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship you have to compromise, be willing to share everything with your partner.

I don’t know why I’m afraid to lose him because he is the same as other guys. No, I’m wrong he is not like other guys. He is special to me; he is the love of my life, my oxygen.

I remember the first time I met him; it was love at first sight. It was the first day of school when I set my eyes on him and fell in love. Not just in love, but madly in love. He was sitting next to Miss Sithole in the staff room, it was the 27th of July 2015. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling, but unfortunately I totally failed.

It was a nightmare, being in love with someone who I was related to. But then, I loved and did so truly at the cost of betraying my family. I chose him over my family. I didn’t care about what they felt or said. Then they found out who I was dating. But I told myself that it was no big deal – and that this was the 21st century, things like that happened, I won’t be the first to do that. I said all that because I was blinded by love.

When we started dating I told myself that he was my future husband, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I planned on being his wife and make him happy, but I didn’t know how wrong I was. I had no idea how that would become reality. What if I lost him? I told myself that that wasn’t a possibility, that that wouldn’t happen.

We went through many challenges together, but I never gave up on him nor did he give up on me. I had suicidal thoughts whenever I thought of losing him. I loved him that much. I told him about this, but he didn’t understand why I would want to kill myself because of him. He then told me to never try that. I would’ve done anything to prove my love to him. Sometimes we tend to love people who don’t love us back or as much. How does one prove their love to someone else? There is no way to do that, you have to go through pain until you find the right person for you.

Now, the feelings, passion and warmth are all gone. We had so much fun being in love, my hopes and emotions are washed away and my desires and dreams are gone. Please tell me, why me? What have I done to deserve this? Everyday another tear falls. When I try to be happy I get hurt, does it really have to be like this? Life is unpredictable; today you are happy and the next day you are get hurt.

Life is sometimes very challenging that you even see death as a solution. But not again will I think of taking my own life. I just have to accept that I can’t be with him. I’m not a failure, but I have to accept that I’ve failed. When you truly care for someone you don’t look for faults, you don’t look for questions and you don’t look for answers. Instead, you accept the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses and take each other into prayer.

But to him it is clear that he doesn’t want to fight or to give me a second chance. I just have to let it go. But how? I can’t just let it go, I really cannot. I’ve done everything to be the best girlfriend to him, but despite every attempt, I seem to do nothing good for him. I’ve given him all my love and time.

I thought that that would make him realise that he was the only one for me and I for him. I’m not happy, I’m hurt because I loved him. Maybe one day I will find someone who will give me all the love I deserve. I still love this guy, he is the man of my dreams, and he was everything to me. I can’t just throw in the towel. The worst thing now is that my mother and sister know about him. How do I explain to them what he meant to me?

I’ve gone through so many challenges in my life, through all that I’ve struggled to get where I am today. Because of my perseverance and belief, I know that I’m on this earth for a purpose. My motto in life is: patience is a virtue. Even with him, I thought that I could be patient and that I could preserver until he realised that I truly loved him. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’d changed.

I’m different from who I was before, I’d come down to the real world. I have a lot of anger that’s killing me. Sometimes I wish to die, to leave this world peacefully. Maybe he would be happy if I were out of his life for good.

The thing is, I’ve tried committing suicide before, but I failed. Why should I end my life to please someone else? I thought of my mom and decided that if I wasn’t going to live for myself, then I would live for her. She has done everything for me, helped me through many difficult times and made me smile at times I needed it the most.

I won’t say I regret the first day I met him, but I just wish that I didn’t love him that much. Those were some of the special days in my life. I smiled every time I thought of him. Now, I have nothing to say, it feels like a dream I can’t wake up from. I’m confused and don’t believe that I’ll ever love someone like I loved him. He was my one and only. I’ve tried to stop crying for him, but I can’t.

I can hardly even eat anything. I feel so alone, I wish my mom was here to tell me that everything would be okay. I thought I was strong, that I could face any situation I went through, but I was wrong. This is too much for me, I need my mom. Sometimes we say or do things that we don’t intend to and only realise afterwards what we have said or done. That’s the part of living that we cannot change. Life works in mysterious ways, at times you encounter things and situations that you thought you never would.

Mahlase, I love you so much and am willing to let you go now, even if it means that I won’t ever find happiness again. I gave myself time to express all that I’ve been through with you and I also want you to do the same. Give yourself enough time to read this and make the decision that will make you happy. If there is something that I did which you didn’t like, please forgive me. I want to start a new life, so that I can make sure all my dreams come true.


Tell us what you think: Have you ever experienced unrequited love? How did you handle it?